So over the past 10 years or so I have gained a lot of weight and became pretty unhealthy. I contribute much of it to my marriage to a LAZY woman. I mean I worked about 50 hours a week and she stayed home doing nothing. She refused to cook actual meals and instead, elected to throw fast food and crap on the table. This became the routine over the course of nearly 10 years. I was in great shape before I got married, then gained 200lbs while I was married. After my divorce, I was in a state of depression and continued my unhealthy ways. Not eating right, no exercise at all and just continued to be fat and lazy. About a month ago I made a decision to change all of that..... Since my awakening, as I like to call it. I have been successfully dropping weight like it was my job. I don't want to get into numbers because I have a much bigger "Before and After" plan that I am working on. I want to show people who are like me that you don't need bullshit gimmicks and store bought miracles to lose weight. People need to actually SEE and REALIZE that weight loss does not need to be bought in a can or at an online shop. All I have done is change my diet and began simple exercise. I didn't drop $500 for an online meal program, I didn't drop $300 on a gym membership. I simply started buying some different food at the grocery store, stopped drinking any and all soda, gave up all sweets, and most importantly of all......gave up ALL FAST FOOD!!! The only other element is an evening exercise routine that I do at the park right down the street from my house. And the results are felt and are definitely showing. Its simple math people, work off more calories than you consume and you will lose weight rapidly. Soy and veggie meat are your friend, McDonald's and Burger King are not! Now because I used to weigh a tremendous amount, I see results at lightning speed, If you're just 20 or 30 lbs overweight, you won't see results as fast. Bottom line is this....If I can drop weight like this and not drop a fortune or take some dramatic action....ANYONE CAN!!! Stay tuned.

Forced Into an iPhone

So I was a blackberry guy for many, many years and many, many styles. Then one day I switched to an iPhone, not really sure why, at the time, other than I wanted to have the latest and greatest. After about a month and a half, I hated the iphone so much that I sold it and went back to blackberry.

Fast Forward a few years....

I discovered the world of Droid and was HOOKED. I ditched the blackberry and had 3 different Droid phones, all of which I loved. Out of those 3, I sold one to upgrade and the other 2 were lost (stolen, but I'm trying to be more positive in life....yea, STOLEN, some sorry bastard, low life, piece of shit stole 2 Droids from me, oops, I drifted there for a second) so after the second one was....ahem....lost, I decided I was not buying another phone. My work supplied me with a cell phone and it was free. That lasted all of 3 or 4 months.

Fast Forward to today....

After being spoiled by Droid and the whole "connected" lifestyle, I REALLY needed to get another phone and move on. The thing is, every phone I wanted was at the very least, $500. I wanted a new phone but I am sorta greedy with my money for phones now that my last 2, highly expensive phones were.....ahem....lost. So I wander by the AT&T store and see that they have the iphone for fairly cheap with a new contract. I fight the urge but in the end I caved in.

I sincerely hope this time around, I like the iphone a little bit. Hopefully it will help me forget about my 2....ahem....lost Droids that I loved. I feel cheap, like I sold out. I never wanted an iPhone simply because everyone else in the world had one......now here I am, a reluctant iphone owner....again.

Mothers Day Tradition

So I have this thing where on Mothers Day, I get a new vehicle. It started when I was married to the most evil woman in the world, The Devil, the Epitome of Evil, The Nightmare. That lying, deceiving, thieving, pathetic excuse for a wife And because I know she hates it....and I love ANYTHING that she hates, I made sure to keep the tradition alive this year and for the 3rd time overall. My new riiiiiiiiiiiiide!!

Happy Mothers Day SATAN!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I Love Mafia Wars!!

My New Theme Song.....

Dressed head to toe black on black,
three bunnies in the back of my Cadillac.
With me it's gonna be a good story to tell;
cash, grass and ass on the highway to hell.
Be careful what you wish for when you dream

I make the good girls bad, and bad girls worse;
nice guys are last 'cause I’m always first.
I’m a freak show sucker for how it feels;
turn the girl next door into hell on heels.
I’m red-white-blue tattooed and just don’t care;
I’m your all American nightmare.

If you wanna run away I can give you a ride,
I’m a one way ticket to your darker side.
And come with me, baby let's lose some sleep.
But don’t mistake me for a dream.

I make the good girls bad, and bad girls worse;
nice guys are last 'cause I’m always first.
I’m a freak show sucker for how it feels;
turn the girl next door into hell on heels.
I’m red-white-blue tattooed and just don’t care;
I’m your all American nightmare.

They're tryin' to lock me up and throw away the key,
but they're never gonna hold down a freak like me.
I'm an outcast, smoking grass living for speed,
and I got anything you want
but nothing that you need.

(stick to me baby)

I make the good girls bad, and bad girls worse;
nice guys are last 'cause I’m always first.
I’m a freak show sucker for how it feels;
turn the girl next door into hell on heels.
I’m red-white-blue tattooed and just don’t care;
I’m the all American nightmare.
I’m the all American nightmare
I’m the all American nightmare
And I got nothing that you need.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

C U Next Tuesday

I can't believe I'm even going to post about this, but here I am....

My blog is mostly made up of random, useless shit that comes to mind at any given time. I don't plan when I'm going to post and sometimes I go a month without anything. If you like it...COOL! If you don't...COOL! I don't really give a fuck on way or another. I'm not here to be your personal entertainment.

Now on any given post I receive "comments" and I will publish EVERY SINGLE COMMENT unless you're the DOUCHE who likes to leave an "anonymous" comment or a "guess who" comment, or a "you know who I am" comment talking shit and trying to highjack my blog. If you want to bash me or what I write...Hook it up, but have the SACK to put your name on it, don't hide like a bitch. If you want to tell me that I suck, or my posts are shit, or you hate my guts...COOL!! Just know that your comment gets deleted UNLESS it has a name on it. I DID leave the comment that got me to do this post, though. It was published on my "Eggs" post...Some douche nozzle felt the need to tell me they hate my guts, but left their name as "guess who" I have a pretty large fan base, so to guess only ONE person who hates me would take wayyyyy too much effort. Next time don't be a toe rag and leave your name, ok cupcake! It's hard to be this damn good and not have someone hate me....so you're not special, you're just in a long line of those who came before you. And now you have your very own post on Randy's blog, so please come in and sign your name...I've just made you famous!

Effin Eggs!!

Ok...So I must say that I am an excellent cook. I love to cook and I have a large variety of items that I am very good at preparing. I actually prefer to cook for myself, rather than eat out. I consider cooking to be one of my little known talents. Seriously.....I'm a great freakin cook!!

Here's my dilemma. My Achilles heel. My fucking nemesis....EGGS!!! I can't make eggs to save my life. I have tried and tried and tried and just cannot make a fucking egg of ANY sort, other than scrambled. Eggs are my kitchen kryptonite.

My frustration hit an all time high this morning. I have been on a fairly strict diet and have been doing really well. This morning granola, oatmeal, fruit...I just wasn't feelin' it. I had some organic eggs I bought for cooking and REALLY wanted an omelet.

As I stood there and pondered my doom, I was completely set on eating an omelet for breakfast and would not be denied. So I began......It all went really well until halfway through. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET THE RUNNY EGGS ON TOP TO FUCKING COOK???? I poked and prodded and begged for those damn eggs to show me some mercy and cook, but they taunted me and stayed runny while the bottom was starting to brown. So I decided to flip it over....FUCK ME!!! it broke all to shit and didn't even resemble an omelet by the time I flipped the spatula. So I added the tomatoes and green peppers and scraped it out of the pan and had me a nice hot mess for breakfast.

I left for work feeling so incomplete. The EFFIN EGGS got me again. And I KNOW those little bastards are sitting home in my refrigerator right now laughing their little egg asses off at me. I hate EFFIN EGGS!!!!!!!

The Good Stuff

Godsmack - Cryin' Like a Bitch

Because I know PLENTY of people this song applies to....You know who you are too!

This is NOT a Good Drinking Story...

It's a proven fact that women do way more regrettable things when they're drunk than guys do. Women tend to get so hammered that they set the bar for regrettable nights....SERIOUSLY!!

I'm here to advise you women out there: please, don't get trashed out of your minds. For a variety of reasons. You could go home with the wrong guy, you could forget to use protection, with the wrong guy, after you go home with him. You might not notice when the really wrong guy slips something into your drink...etc, etc, etc....

There are also the more mundane, and practical reasons. Maybe you say something stupid, maybe you do something stupid, maybe you eat something stupid, and your bowels belch fiery fury for hours on end the next day.

But here's the top of the pile. Tonight, I saw something I swear I'll take to my grave....TO MY GRAVE!!!!

There's a neighborhood bar that my friends and I frequent, we're regulars, yes. It's after last call, waitresses and bartenders are running everyone out(except us, we're the exception HEH!). It's closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, etc, etc. I get up to make my last pit stop of the night before the walk home, because I'm too old to piss behind a car anymore and Gawd knows my bladder will almost certainly force me to make a wrong decision if I don't empty it before I leave.

I go into the restroom and head for my usual stall (I never use urinals, piss sometimes splashes back on you, it's disgusting) I walk by the first stall, all quiet, I approach the 2nd stall and I feel like I just stuck my head into a mushroom cloud as a horrific stench smacks me in the face, I turn my head to the right to look in and there she is, sitting on the pot. Head between her knees, directly over her underwear... and her underwear and pantyhose are full of puke. Hair, too, but that's not what's about to be the problem. I look around to make sure I hadn't drank too much and stumbled into the Women's room....Nope, it's the Men's room...I'm sure. I say in a loud voice...ARE YOU OK, YOU NEED ME TO GO GET SOMEONE FOR YOU?

"Huh? Oh... hey... hi. OK, OK." Typical drunken gibberish. Then the girl stands up.

Now, I've been pretty drunk. I've woken up in some truly horrifying places, had to go back there the next day to retrieve my wallet. Kissed some women that looked like rhinos, and, well... I've been around. But usually when I come to, I have the presence of mind to look around and see where I was and what was going on, because usually... well, that's just the first thing I do.

She doesn't. Not even close. She pulls her underwear, and pantyhose, snug all the way to the top, still full of puke. settles her skirt, and staggers out of the bathroom. OMG I'm mortified.....truly mortified. So I immediately ran out and grabbed Mark and Kurt and told them what just happened, and promptly pointed to the girl in question. I HAD to tell someone!

Girls, please. I don't want to keep anyone on a pedestal, I can understand, everyone likes a good old fashioned night on the town. And sure, there's nothing like a really good drinking story. Remind me some night to tell you about me, the fire bell, and paying for bad food with my belt buckle in Puebla, Mexico.

But this was really nothing like a good drinking story. For the love of god, your underpants, your dignity, your boyfriend?... Please. A little moderation, ok?

I'm traumatized!

OUCH....but HAHAHAHA!!!!

So........I had my monthly injury today, and its another cut....a knarly one, too. I gashed my middle knuckle on my right hand all the way to the bone on a really sharp blade at work. It bled for 3 hrs, I actually got light headed and had to sit down. Definitely a hospital visit type cut......and Randy don't do hospitals......I do keep a stock of band aids and super glue handy. The best part is......i lifted the flap of skin and you could see my bone and it made my friend Mark puke......it RULED!!!! That was almost worth the cut itself. I'm still laughing about it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The Big 40

So I am sitting here thinking WOW in less than a month I'll be 40. FOUR ZERO!!! I just can't fathom being 40 years old. I still feel 25, I'm told I look significantly younger than I am, I still get carded. I just don't FEEL 40.

Looking back, I remember thinking, no way I'll ever be THAT old. Some of the stunts I pulled in my youthful years I was told, you'll never see 40 if you keep that up. I went to war while in the military and was afraid, I want to see 40. So now here I am....21 days away from my 40th birthday and all I can think is...where the hell did 39 years go?

I think reconnecting with so many friends from my past has really opened my eyes to the fact that we're all getting older. I am thankful for such good genes and the ability to NOT look or feel my age, unlike some others....Some of you haven't aged well at all LMAO I still got love for ya though. Hey, this is my blog and I can say you look like 10 miles of bad road if I want to....At least I didn't name any of you.

In my honest opinion, age is just a number anyway. What matters is how you FEEL. So to all of us out there pushing 40 or have passed 40, here's to us! We still got it. Don't let anyone make you feel less. The haters are just mad 'cause they can't look THIS good HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Here's to my awesome kids...Dominic 16, Brooke & Gabrielle 13. My Dad who is still alive & well at 65 and all of my friends & family who have put up with all of my shit for 40 years and still tell me they love me and are proud of me. To my job that has taken care of me and dealt with me and still wants me running things after 14 years, and even after I piss off their customer....regularly! I love you all.

RANDY NOV 1970


RANDY NOV 2009

What would YOU Do?

So a while back a friend of mine told me that he was "involved" with his boss, in a romantic way. The FIRST thing I told him "Don't shit where you eat". Needless to say, he didn't listen. So NOW....He has all this drama in his life, that sucks for him because he was...err, ummm...IS really good at his job. The story goes like this....

A few months ago his boss started "flirting" with him, she's also the owner of the place he works. She's married (yikes) and he's single. Anyway they have been doing this whole "sexting" thing, you know...where you get all freaky in text, nasty shit and the pictures to go with it. As far as physical contact, he sort of denies it, but it's obvious there's been contact. I'm thinking like wild sex one night, then the next day they were both like, maybe if we don't talk about it, it never happened...ya know?

Well over time, I guess she became all weird and possessive and started treating him like a boyfriend at work, instead of treating him like an employee. Sorry ladies but we all know you go fucking mental over guys and can't EVER keep shit separate. Anyway, he was dealing with her being all chick-ish at work and decided to tell her that he wanted to stop the whole thing....YEA, I KNOW...big mistake....sorry ladies but we all know you go mental over shit like that as well, please don't go all "no I don't" on me, because YOU DO! So he attempts to break it off, or at the very least, put it on the back burner because she obviously couldn't keep work and personal separate. Well it's no secret what happened next, even the chicks reading this right now KNOW she didn't handle it well...you KNOW I'm right.

So in the wake of him telling her he wanted to stop, or put it on hold, or slow down, or whatever, some really unpleasant shit has flowed his way. First she came up with some random, off the wall sexual harassment of another employee thing, when he showed PROOF that she was lying, she went into this whole forced time off thing and now, apparently, he's unemployed or gonna be transferred, or is in limbo. He was a stellar employee for his company, never did anything wrong from what I understand, and now...because a chick is a chick...he's out of work.

He stopped by today to look for options, unfortunately I don't hire friends and I keep my work shit separate from my personal shit at ALL times. I feel kinda bad for him because I know for a fact he was awesome at what he did. So now on to my question of the day... he tells me today that he has all of these naked pictures of her and some really explicit text. He said he is going to send the pictures to EVERYONE he can think of. To the corporate office of the company, to her husband, to employees, and apparently her husband has been in the news recently for something or other and he even wants to send the pictures and text to the news. Basically anyone that knows or has heard of this chick is about to see her naked and read her dirty little fantasies. I laughed when he told me, but I'm an asshole and I'd probably do the same thing if I were in his shoes and was fucked over by a chick being a chick. He was all like...you should totally blog about this, so here I am.

My question is....would YOU do what he's planning to do?

I'm In A Mood....Deal With It!

And I feel like ranting, it's my blog and I'll do what the fuck I like...GOT IT!


A. Bad Drivers. I don't care about your race. I don't care if you're male or female. If you have a license, just learn how to fucking drive. It's really not that difficult, people. Green means go. Yellow means "slow down". Yellow does NOT mean SLAM ON YOUR FUCKING BREAKS with three cars behind you. If one more person does this to me, so help me I will not only not stop, but I will gun my engine and purposely smash into you. Repeatedly. And I will make sure to decapitate your stupid Oakland A's bobble-head in the process. Now, a red light means STOP - but I know this can be a bit tricky. Try real hard to stop BEFORE YOU ENTER THE INTERSECTION. Here's a little hint: If the car AHEAD of you is blocking the intersection, pulling up behind that car probably isn't the brightest idea. If you end up sitting in the middle of the intersection, blocking cross-traffic ... it's open season on you, my friend. Anyone who's had "one of those days" should be free to ram your stupid, gridlock-creating, worthless ass at will.

B. Cell-Phone Abusers. Look, I have one. It's convenient. But there is a time and a place. It's called common sense. Let me break it down for you. Ask yourself these questions: Am I watching a movie? Am I eating in a decent restaurant? Am I driving? If the answer is yes, don't even THINK of flipping that fucking phone. And turn off or change your stupid-assclown Beethoven's 5th polyphonic ring-tone. Nobody thinks you are sophisticated, or smart. Quite the contrary, we all think you're a complete douchbag, and sincerely want to slowly stab you in the eye with a fork.

C. Not so much a problem for me anymore, but nonetheless...Chatty Taxi Drivers. Just shut the fuck up and DRIVE already. Really, there is no need for you to even speak to me. I tell you where I want to go. You drive there. The little meter tells me how much I owe you when we arrive. Absolutely no need for conversation. A little tip: When I haven't responded to your repeated attempts at "small talk" - might be a pretty good indication I'm not interested in talking with you. If you continue to talk, don't be surprised when I reach through the Plexiglas opening and choke you out with my forearm.

5. Complicated Coffee Order-ers....FUCK I HATE THESE PEOPLE.. I know you think it's really "hip" to order a "triple, no foam soy latte with one pump of sugar-free vanilla swirled" in a green cup and with a insulator and 2 straws -- but get over your fucking self already. It's coffee, not a five course meal.

6. Chain Email forwarders. DUDE, SERIOUSLY?!?!. I think you are an idiot. I think I want to ram my keyboard through your teeth, those chain-emails that instruct me to "forward 7 times, and the one I love will come back" -- those are even better. Those are fantastic. Next time you send me one of those, how about I just smash your face with my stapler 7 times, and see if you come back?