Wednesday, June 30, 2010

C U Next Tuesday

I can't believe I'm even going to post about this, but here I am....

My blog is mostly made up of random, useless shit that comes to mind at any given time. I don't plan when I'm going to post and sometimes I go a month without anything. If you like it...COOL! If you don't...COOL! I don't really give a fuck on way or another. I'm not here to be your personal entertainment.

Now on any given post I receive "comments" and I will publish EVERY SINGLE COMMENT unless you're the DOUCHE who likes to leave an "anonymous" comment or a "guess who" comment, or a "you know who I am" comment talking shit and trying to highjack my blog. If you want to bash me or what I write...Hook it up, but have the SACK to put your name on it, don't hide like a bitch. If you want to tell me that I suck, or my posts are shit, or you hate my guts...COOL!! Just know that your comment gets deleted UNLESS it has a name on it. I DID leave the comment that got me to do this post, though. It was published on my "Eggs" post...Some douche nozzle felt the need to tell me they hate my guts, but left their name as "guess who" I have a pretty large fan base, so to guess only ONE person who hates me would take wayyyyy too much effort. Next time don't be a toe rag and leave your name, ok cupcake! It's hard to be this damn good and not have someone hate you're not special, you're just in a long line of those who came before you. And now you have your very own post on Randy's blog, so please come in and sign your name...I've just made you famous!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Effin Eggs!!

Ok...So I must say that I am an excellent cook. I love to cook and I have a large variety of items that I am very good at preparing. I actually prefer to cook for myself, rather than eat out. I consider cooking to be one of my little known talents. Seriously.....I'm a great freakin cook!!

Here's my dilemma. My Achilles heel. My fucking nemesis....EGGS!!! I can't make eggs to save my life. I have tried and tried and tried and just cannot make a fucking egg of ANY sort, other than scrambled. Eggs are my kitchen kryptonite.

My frustration hit an all time high this morning. I have been on a fairly strict diet and have been doing really well. This morning granola, oatmeal, fruit...I just wasn't feelin' it. I had some organic eggs I bought for cooking and REALLY wanted an omelet.

As I stood there and pondered my doom, I was completely set on eating an omelet for breakfast and would not be denied. So I began......It all went really well until halfway through. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET THE RUNNY EGGS ON TOP TO FUCKING COOK???? I poked and prodded and begged for those damn eggs to show me some mercy and cook, but they taunted me and stayed runny while the bottom was starting to brown. So I decided to flip it over....FUCK ME!!! it broke all to shit and didn't even resemble an omelet by the time I flipped the spatula. So I added the tomatoes and green peppers and scraped it out of the pan and had me a nice hot mess for breakfast.

I left for work feeling so incomplete. The EFFIN EGGS got me again. And I KNOW those little bastards are sitting home in my refrigerator right now laughing their little egg asses off at me. I hate EFFIN EGGS!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Good Stuff

Godsmack - Cryin' Like a Bitch

Because I know PLENTY of people this song applies to....You know who you are too!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

This is NOT a Good Drinking Story...

It's a proven fact that women do way more regrettable things when they're drunk than guys do. Women tend to get so hammered that they set the bar for regrettable nights....SERIOUSLY!!

I'm here to advise you women out there: please, don't get trashed out of your minds. For a variety of reasons. You could go home with the wrong guy, you could forget to use protection, with the wrong guy, after you go home with him. You might not notice when the really wrong guy slips something into your drink...etc, etc, etc....

There are also the more mundane, and practical reasons. Maybe you say something stupid, maybe you do something stupid, maybe you eat something stupid, and your bowels belch fiery fury for hours on end the next day.

But here's the top of the pile. Tonight, I saw something I swear I'll take to my grave....TO MY GRAVE!!!!

There's a neighborhood bar that my friends and I frequent, we're regulars, yes. It's after last call, waitresses and bartenders are running everyone out(except us, we're the exception HEH!). It's closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, etc, etc. I get up to make my last pit stop of the night before the walk home, because I'm too old to piss behind a car anymore and Gawd knows my bladder will almost certainly force me to make a wrong decision if I don't empty it before I leave.

I go into the restroom and head for my usual stall (I never use urinals, piss sometimes splashes back on you, it's disgusting) I walk by the first stall, all quiet, I approach the 2nd stall and I feel like I just stuck my head into a mushroom cloud as a horrific stench smacks me in the face, I turn my head to the right to look in and there she is, sitting on the pot. Head between her knees, directly over her underwear... and her underwear and pantyhose are full of puke. Hair, too, but that's not what's about to be the problem. I look around to make sure I hadn't drank too much and stumbled into the Women's room....Nope, it's the Men's room...I'm sure. I say in a loud voice...ARE YOU OK, YOU NEED ME TO GO GET SOMEONE FOR YOU?

"Huh? Oh... hey... hi. OK, OK." Typical drunken gibberish. Then the girl stands up.

Now, I've been pretty drunk. I've woken up in some truly horrifying places, had to go back there the next day to retrieve my wallet. Kissed some women that looked like rhinos, and, well... I've been around. But usually when I come to, I have the presence of mind to look around and see where I was and what was going on, because usually... well, that's just the first thing I do.

She doesn't. Not even close. She pulls her underwear, and pantyhose, snug all the way to the top, still full of puke. settles her skirt, and staggers out of the bathroom. OMG I'm mortified.....truly mortified. So I immediately ran out and grabbed Mark and Kurt and told them what just happened, and promptly pointed to the girl in question. I HAD to tell someone!

Girls, please. I don't want to keep anyone on a pedestal, I can understand, everyone likes a good old fashioned night on the town. And sure, there's nothing like a really good drinking story. Remind me some night to tell you about me, the fire bell, and paying for bad food with my belt buckle in Puebla, Mexico.

But this was really nothing like a good drinking story. For the love of god, your underpants, your dignity, your boyfriend?... Please. A little moderation, ok?

I'm traumatized!

Friday, January 15, 2010

OUCH....but HAHAHAHA!!!!

So........I had my monthly injury today, and its another cut....a knarly one, too. I gashed my middle knuckle on my right hand all the way to the bone on a really sharp blade at work. It bled for 3 hrs, I actually got light headed and had to sit down. Definitely a hospital visit type cut......and Randy don't do hospitals......I do keep a stock of band aids and super glue handy. The best part is......i lifted the flap of skin and you could see my bone and it made my friend Mark RULED!!!! That was almost worth the cut itself. I'm still laughing about it.