Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Brilliant, Amazing, Powerful

So I watched Gran Torino tonight. Directed, Produced, and starring Clint Eastwood. Hands down the greatest actor of this Millennium. Watch all the awards he wins for this one....It'll be a clean sweep!

The movie was, by far, the best movie I've seen in several years. Without a doubt, in my top 5...probably at #1. The movie was powerful, touching, brilliant, and sent a message that you could not miss. I am seriously blown away by it.

Whatever you do...DON'T miss this movie. I guarantee you'll be listing it among the best movies you've ever seen. Gran Torino....remember it, it's one of the best movies ever made! I'm STILL reeling!!!

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Monday, December 29, 2008

A Week?

WOW..I haven't blogged in a week. Guess I haven't had shit to say...weird! Usually I have quite a bit to say..So here I am, blogging today to let you know that I'm here but I have nothing to say...at the moment. Except for what I just said, beyond that I don't have anything else...ok now this is turning into something else, so I need to stop because I have nothing else right now...or I didn't then...I may in the future...oh shit it is the future...OK STOP IT, you're luring me into blogging when I have nothing to say. Maybe tomorrow, nothing else today though...right! OK! Good! So we're done then?1 Cool! Talk to you tomorrow....or shortly thereafter..whichever suits me...suits YOU? I don't care!! I'll blog when I wanna, not when you demand it....

Shit, I'm sorry people...the voices in my head were talking to me again...Have a nice day!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

My Shenanigans Crack Me Up

So I have this friend, who lives in a different time zone. I've been warning her that one night, randomly, I will proceed to call and text her over and over again, for the sole purpose of waking her up from a sound night sleep. I've held off for a perfect time, and tonight was that perfect time.

You see, I KNEW she got HAMMERED last night and was probably hurtin for certain and REALLY needed to get that quality sleep so she can work tomorrow. So I patiently waited all day, knowing full well I would set my master plan in action very, very late. So at about 2am her time, while she was getting that much needed recovery sleep....I called her like 5 times, leaving voicemail so her phone would beep, and texting her. I knew she MUST leave her phone on for work purposes and I was banking on her cell phone alerts for voicemail and text messages were active and loud. I didn't disappoint myself...It was beautiful. Here's her replies to my shenanigans, no more than 5 minutes after I left 5 voicemails and 5 text messages...obviously she's awake now LMAO!

Text # 1 - "Duuuuuude u pickd the WORST day 2 do this. Thanks LOL"
Text #2 - "U have no clue just how fukd up it is. U timed it perfectly. I am forced to hate you now".

Mission accomplished!! I sooooooo RULE!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

So I had kind of a bummer night and needed to laugh. So it's time for yet another....Things that make Randy laugh post!










Tuesday, December 16, 2008

HUH? WTF?!?!

Ok so I call my Dad tonight for my weekly checkin, see how things are, how he's doing. The good son routine....because..well...I'm the BEST Son...EVER!!! But it's easy because I have the BEST Dad....EVER!!!

Anyway...we talking, yada yada yada.....Christmas, Life, Things in general. Typical Dad, Son talk. Then I get this....."Ok I gotta go Son, Family Guy is coming on" WTF?!?! Ok so I was blown off for a TV show, but what's more effin freaky is...MY DAD WATCHES FAMILY GUY? I've never got into it, but every person under 25 that I know...lives for that show. And my Dad is soooo not the Family Guy type...or is he? It's like I stepped into the Twilight Zone.

So I'm like...you watch Family Guy? He goes, I never miss it, I even own the DVD sets. I love that show...that and Grey's Anatomy...HOLY FUCKIN HELL...Where is my Dad and what have you done to him? I say...ok I gotta go, I need to check the news to see if Aliens have taken over the earth. He laughs and goes...I love you too, Bye. And that was it. I'm still reeling, baffled, I have no words...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

This was emailed to me today and it made me laugh out loud for several minutes.

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Thursday, December 4, 2008

Hillarious, Inappropriate...Right Up My Alley

So I watched Zack & Miri Make a Porno tonight and I have to say...it didn't disappoint! On a scale of 1-10, it was an easy 8.5! The ending wasn't all that great but the rest of it was pretty ef'fin hilarious!

I don't really see how you can go wrong when you put Seth Rogan in a Kevin Smith movie, and then mix in other wildly inappropriate people, like Jason Mews and some real life porn stars. Even Daryl from The Office was in it and HE KILLED!!! The movie had some serious laugh out loud moments and some moments that people with a wildly inappropriate sense of humor would like. There's a shit scene that almost made me fall out of my chair...I'm THAT guy...I find things that are wrong on so many levels, completely funny. So check it out...you can thank me later!

Here's the trailer...

Happy Birthday LORA

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So today is my super duper good friend, Lora's birthday. We won't speak of her "actual" age...let's just say, some things NEVER get that old (i'm kidding)

She's the most awesome-est friend...EVER and I've known her for many, many....MANY years. She's the prototype and ORIGINAL "HWMD" oh...Hybrid Weapon of Mass Destruction..based in part of her total awesomeness, her love of sports, her sense of humor, her lack of filter, her stunning good looks, and her ability to generally make the world a better place to be in. She's the prototype and the only known HWMD of origin to date!

I think everyone should go pay homage to the most amazing person I know and wish her a most awesome day. Just 1 minute near her makes your day better...trust me. She's HERE so go show her some love!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

That's What She Said...

Ok here's the dealio. I used to have an addiction to The Office. It was a very severe addiction. I would often randomly quote The Office anywhere, and everywhere. I would do this several times a day....by several, I mean 2,000. I've seen every episode of The Office at least 3 times, so it's not really hard to memorize the lines....that's what addicts do, they addict-isize..ingly live their addiction.

So, I was able to somewhat kick this addiction. I skipped all of season 5 in an attempt to detox. I figured by the time it came out on DVD, I could slowly and carefully enjoy a taste now and again. The thing is...a really good friend of mine, who will remain nameless..Lora....started watching it, and then she started talking about it, then she blogged about it....pretty soon she had the needle in 1 hand and my arm in the other and she drove the spike in deep.....Thanks to her, I'm a full blown junkie again and it's hard (that's what she said) to not love the show. So I guess I should thank the person who will remain nameless..Lora...for her persistence and addictive enabling. If you're not watching The Office....you SHOULD be!!

Here's some of Jim's best pranks on Dwight...enjoy!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thank You

So I wanted to thank everyone for their birthday wishes and everything. I don't really celebrate my birthday...well haven't in a while, but this year I did, thanks to a great group of friends.

Lora - For the announcement on your blog and for being the most AWESOME person...EVER! A true, great friend and the best person I know. Thank you!
Melissa - The surprise lunch with everyone there was great. Thank you!
Jenn - For conspiring with Melissa. Thank you!
Mark, Sam, Chris - For the 3 12 packs of Guinness. Thank you!
Sophia - For the homemade plate of enchiladas and tamales (MY FAV) Thank you!
Kelii - For the grass skirt hula girl bobble thingy, I always wanted for my desk. Thank you!
Everyone at work - For the decorations and cake, cards, gifts, etc. Thank you!
The girls at HOOTERS for lunch - For the.....umm bday song, yeah..that's it. Thank you!

I honestly had no idea it would even be a thing today, but it was and I'm thankful for a great group of friends who always seem to make me smile. I'll remember this birthday. Thank you for making it special!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

All Movies...All The Time!!

So I figured I'd share a pretty awesome link with everyone...

http://www.justin.tv/directory?category=entertainment

It's a place where one can go to see popular movies still in theaters, in the comfort of your home. There are different channels, so surf around, learn the commands and watch something you've been wanting to see.

Recently I watched Transporter 3, Eagle Eye, Babylon AD, and Pineapple Express. It kicks ass so check it out and remember who sent you, you can thank me later LOL.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I have to say that I had a GREAT Thanksgiving this year and I hope you did too.

A group of friends and I decided to spend Thanksgiving together. Most of us have family in other states and we weren't able to be with them, so what better way to celebrate than together. There were 12 of us. Us guys had a football game this morning. That game was more fun than I've had in several years. Melissa, Jen, and Amanda did an AWESOME job on the food. We all got Thanksgiving the way WE wanted it. I'm a traditional Thanksgiving guy...I like my turkey cooked in the oven for hours. Real mashed potatoes with brown turkey gravy, the jelly cranberry sauce from a can (i love that shit), green bean casserole, and peach cobbler...I got it all and was even introduced to some new stuff. We also deep fried a turkey (we had 3 turkeys) and I thought that was really good, the whole crunchy skin thing kicked ass. Melissa made the BEST peach cobbler I've ever had (sorry Mom & Grandma) and I even had a piece of pumpkin pie (a very small piece) The ladies really outdid themselves with all the food. There was literally enough for 50 people and after we ate, made a plate to take home, there was still enough for 30 people. The ladies then packed the food up and took it to a nearby shelter where they were very appreciative. The guys? Well we contributed to aerating Jen's lawn (football works wonders) and breaking in Jen's furniture while we watched football all day long. Jen's refrigerator door was a bit unused, so all the retrieval of beer helped make that door work like a champ. We did our part.

So I want to let it be known that I am thankful this year for such great friends. I had a Thanksgiving that I will never forget, literally the best one I've had in many years. I hope everyone else out there had a day that was not only as awesome but as rewarding as mine. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

LMAO

So in my random things I like post, I happened to mention Melissa's feet. Aside from all the "you have a foot fetish" email I got....Melissa calls me and says "After all this time, you finally post a blog that involves me, and instead of my picture..you show the world my feet" So as to not ignite her Irish temper.......

Everyone, meet Melissa...Melissa meet everyone
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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

5 Random Things I Like

Melissa's Feet. I don't have a foot fetish, per say. It's this thing with Melissa's black polish....her feet are sexy!
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Fritos ORIGINAL. They are my crack cocaine and my home is NEVER without a bag.
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My Dr. Grip pens. They are the ONLY pens I'll use. I don't even touch other pens. These are the BEST pens, EVER!!
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RedBox! I use Netflix but it's mainly for the TV Series and Documentaries. RedBox is the shiznit! $1 for new release movies and you can get them at MIDNIGHT on Tuesday right when they come out and 10 hours before the video store opens, if you want to.
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Pumpkin Pie Coffee Creamer. I hate that it's only seasonal and I always buy a bunch of it right after Halloween and Before January just so I have a few weeks of it to last LOL.
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Monday, November 24, 2008

HeeBee...GeeBee's

Ok so after dinner last night, some friends suggested we go check out something called Body Worlds 3. I had never heard of it so my immediate reaction was....sounds reeeeeal exciting in my most condescending voice possible. Everyone kinda tripped out that I didn't know what it was and all of a sudden it became this top secret location that I HAD to see. Reluctantly.....I got dragged along for what I was SURE was going to be a painfully boring night......

When we arrive, everyone is trying to keep me from reading about it or knowing about it. Trying hard to keep me in the dark, so to speak. From what I gathered before entering....it was basically some exhibit about the human body.....yada, yada, yada. I KNEW it was going to SUCK and I was a bit annoyed that I got dragged into it. So not knowing anymore than it's an anatomy class that retards pay for...I went in.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!

So inside there are these....ummm....BODIES!! Posed in different poses doing different shit, that's not the point. The point is...THESE ARE REAL HUMAN BODIES!!! Like REAL dead people....with NO SKIN....DEAD PEOPLE WITH NO SKIN....POSING!!!!

At the first "exhibit" I had a total Jeff Spicoli moment..OHHHHHH GNARLY!!! The whole place was fucking freaky and I don't freak easily. But this place was filled with REAL skinless dead people posing like regular people. I don't even go into hospitals because it's too close to death. This place was like the morgue on steroids and I was totally buggin out. So needless to say, after like 4 bodies, I BAILED and waited outside. All I could feel was death creeping into me, like if I breathe too heavily, death might crawl down my throat. The ONLY place on earth that scares me is the hospital because hospitals have dead or close to dead people in them and death just lurks in the hallways...this fucking place skipped right past hiding and the skinless dead reaper people were trying to get me...so I got the hell outta Dodge!!

It was cold last night but I STILL drove all the way home with the windows down. And the shower I took when I got home coulda cleaned the rust off of a 80 year screw. Needless to say my friends and especially Melissa KNEW that shit would freak me out and because I torture my friends with practical jokes...this made their millennium. I still feel dead people on my skin today and it AINT cool. So laugh it up guys....Payback is a BITCH!!!

I didn't take these pics. I didn't know I would even be at this place and even had I known I never woulda stuck around long enough to take pictures....but this is EXACTLY what was inside this freakshow of skinless dead people place.

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

5 Jams On My iPod Today

I'm just chillin' today...in total recovery mode. iPod is on shuffle and whatever plays.....plays

Metallica - Unforgiven: "tallica" is a must have on my ipod...and in my collection, in general.

Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah: Not sure when this got in there, I think someone may have "planted" it....Still, the song don't suck!

Rage Against The Machine - Calm Like A Bomb:
My favorite band of all time

Sublime - Summertime: I like more of Sublimes underground stuff, but this one aint bad at all.

Pink - Just Like A Pill:
I've always had a thing for Pink...I think she's the shit!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

WTF Just Happened???

Sometimes your world takes a turn for the surreal...

As we stood in the middle of the Albertson's produce section, trying to decide whether $4 was a good deal for 3 undersized tomatoes, she came around the corner. 8 years old, going on 28. She'd left her dad at the end of the snack aisle talking on his cell phone with a cart full of overpriced junk food alternatives. Before I could flash my default "what a cute kid" smile, her hand was on my ass as she proclaimed to the world, "I LIKE BOYS!"

And then just like that....she was gone.

Turning to me in disbelief, my female friend asked, "did you just get felt up by a preschooler?"

Still reeling a little from the incident, I decided to shake off the trauma and we headed to the dairy section for the $6 pumpkin pie coffee creamer. I almost dropped the container when I saw her dad again. still on the phone. And there she was, coming in for a second pass. I couldn't let it happen again. With nowhere else to go, I took refuge behind my female friend. Thankfully that was enough, the kid bailed on the attempt and veered off toward the free samples of toaster strudel, leaving me shamed, bewildered, and cowering behind my 5'tall female friend/bodyguard.

As we warily made our way to the register, I could only think to myself "maybe those child leashes aren't such a bad idea." From now on, I'm going to Smith's. At least I can outrun the 70 year old ladies.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Top 5

Some friends and I were in a discussion today and it was all about "our top 5" You know....Female celebs you want to bang LMAO or famous women who are your top 5 hottest. Of course we didn't all agree, and some choices were rather shocking...1 of which was mine but oh well...it's MY top 5 and that's that!! So I figured I'd share.....here they are IN ORDER...

#1 Kate Beckinsale
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#2 Gwen Stefani
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#3 Kate Hudson
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#4 Rosario Dawson
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#5 Megan Fox
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There's 1 female that is hard to leave off the list, but if she were standing with these 5...she'd be picked last....but not least and she is....

Honorable Mention Drew Barrymore
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Monday, November 17, 2008

Disaster....That's My Story & I'm Sticking To It!!

So I called into work today and let my Admin Asst. know that I wouldn't be in because I had a "disaster" at my house overnight.

Ok so maybe I embellished a bit....Last night at around 1:30am I hear my doorbell of all things. I wakeup, grab my gun (yea? and?!) and go to the door. It's the little old lady next door and she tells me that water is shooting from beside my place onto her porch and windows. I go out to inspect the claim and sure enough...Broken Water Pipe! It was the main line so I needed to turn the water off at the street, only there's no water cut off at the street, that I could find....so I covered the break with a tarp so it wouldn't spray the little old lady next door, left a message on the emergency maintenance number, put a note on my door to not ring the bell I knew I had a water leak, and went back to bed.

I got up at about 6:30am and went to check the "leak" I now have what I am calling Lake Randy The Great out in the street....I laughed, I don't know why...but I laughed. I went in and called maintenance AGAIN, this time the dude said he'd be right over. At around 7:15 there's a knock at my door and some kid standing there....I say I don't want to subscribe to the newspaper kid, thanks anyway...he goes...I'm the maintenance guy....Why am I not suprised. So I go ok kid....the water needs to be turned off at the main, he goes...where's the main...NICE!!! I ask him if his Dad is around...He goes...My Dad lives in Idaho...Terrific!! So I ask....you came over here for a reason, what was it...He goes...You called so I came over....I ask if I tell you to roll over will I need to give you a biscuit? He laughs....I smirk. I tell him...I guess I'll take care of the leak, don't work too hard today and I walk away. I put in a call to the water company's emergency number and immediately get a return call...They are on their way. So I called into work, told them there is a natural disaster and the future of Lake Randy The Great may be in jeopardy and I need to have all my calls and emails forwarded to my phone. A suprise 3-day weekend...I love it!!!

The water company shut the water off. I went to Home Depot and got the parts to fix the pipe. Slapped it all together in about 10 mins, turned the water back on (now that I know where the main is) and VIOLA!!! Nothing to do but chill for the rest of the day...Disaster averted (thanks to my keen plumbing skills) Lake Randy The Great may become Lake Randy The Awesome Ice Rink sometime later today/tonight so it looks like that natural monument will be with us for a while and I have the rest of the day to kick back in my underwear and watch stupid shit on TV....I love the unexpected 3-day weekend!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ok so me and a friend have always had this discussion and he (nor anyone else) can seem to wrap their head around why I think tourettes syndrome is fucking hilarious. Ok so I'm an asshole....I'm cruel and mean....but it's still some funny shit...I mean c'mon....fits of random profanity, out of nowhere twitching and flopping, the always unexpected, loud gruntmoanscream.....It's fucking FUNNY!!!! If I had to have a disease, I'd definitely pick tourettes. Can you imagine a man with tourettes writing a personal ad? I can....it'd go something like this....

Subject: SHITFARM PUSSYFUCK hi

I have tourette's syndrome and am prone to breaking out in HORSEHUFFER COCKKOCKER fits of profanity. That aside, I am ASSPLOWER BALLSUCKER still looking for a woman to treat me TITWIGGLING DONGBLASTER right and vice versa.

Do these CLITSLAMMING ASSMASTER ads really work? Just curious....

I'm a JIZZSNACKER COWCOCK 30 something year old white male, with WIENER MASTER QUEEFEATER blue eyes, a sensitive disposition, and good heart.

Please help this MOTORFUCKER POOPIEPANTS brother out?

And that, my friends is why tourettes DEFINITELY goes in the "Things that make Randy Laugh" hall of fame!! You KNOW you laughed so stop hating on me!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

5 Jams On My iPod Today

Offspring - Pretty Fly For A White Guy: Well....Because...I Am!!!!!

AC/DC - Highway To Hell: Reminds Me Of Driving Home When I WAS Married LMAO!!

Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up: For All The White Guys Who Wish They Were Pimps

The Cranberries - Zombie: One of my all time favorite bands with a female lead singer, even though the Cranberries ARE NOT rock.

StereoPhonics - Maybe Tomorrow: Who doesn't like the StereoPhonics?!?!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Insanely AWESOME!!!

Ok so....I was with some friends today and my good friend Mark showed me this INSANE interactive, free game. It's called Hotel 626. OMG it's EF'ING AWESOME!!!

Hotel 626, is an online game where you have to check into this haunted hotel and attempt to escape with no harm. You can only check into Hotel 626 from 8pm-8am, but if you adjust the time on your computer you should be just fine to play anytime. You are also asked to play the game in the dark, using your headphones and a microphone. It's also a first player game, so you really feel like you're there. Now, go ahead and turn the lights off, and plug in your head phones, and prepare to be horrified.

This game is literally taking over the web and making a mark as one of the BEST online games out there....if you're not too scared to give it a go. I played it and it legitimately freaked me out a few times. I'll be a regular because the game KICKS ASS!!! Be afraid...Be VERY afraid!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Just another addition in the "Things That Make Randy Laugh" category. I saw this today and began to laugh hysterically.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

America Got It WRONG!

Ok look...I don't debate politics, like religion all it does is create hard feelings when people disagree. So I'm gonna make my point, do my rant...then I'm over it.

This Presidential election was the biggest joke in American history. 80% of people who voted for Obama did so because "everyone else was doing it" It became this years "hip" and "cool" thing to do. Oh yea....let's vote for Obama because my favorite "actor" on a TV show is doing it...ridiculous!!! I asked 4 people yesterday to give me 5 reasons they think Obama will be a great leader....Not only did everyone fail to name TWO reasons, they ALL said the same thing. Because he's going to change things and not be like Bush. Yea...good reason to vote for him....moron! The African American community voted for his race, not his experience. The White Americans voted for him because it was what all their friends were doing and we know how white America loves to "keep up with the Jones'"

I'm not saying McCain was any better. I'm not anti-Obama. Let me tell you my reasons for NOT voting for Obama......

I'm a military man. I was raised in a military family and I was a member of the military myself. I love America and I feel I'm pretty patriotic and proud of my country. In my opinion America can't have a leader with no military experience, no military background, he's never SERVED his country so how the hell can he LEAD it? Not only does he have NO experience, he is 110% clueless about how the military works. Don't believe me....google some shit with Obama/Military and read on....his ignorance on the defenders of our country is damn near legendary. Furthermore....Obama REFUSES....REFUSES to pledge allegiance to the flag. It's what America is built on. Our flag is who we are. It's carried in EVERY way, shape, and form...think about the American Flag and where you see it and what it means. Obama thinks the American Flag is "pointless" and does not represent "patriotism" Think I'm bullshitting...google it!!! Again...The National Anthem, as Americans we know that when it plays, we pay respect. In uniform we salute, out of uniform we cover our heart with our right hand. Obama refuses to honor our National Anthem, instead he merely stands there and waits till it's over...think I'm bullshitting...google it, it's even comes with pictures of his disrespect. The little American Flag lapel pin that is worn by EVERY politician and patriot...yea, Obama refuses to wear one, rufuses to be a "a part of that" And now, the position in America that is upheld as the most patriotic position in our country, is held by a man who slaps patriotism in the face and refuses to be a part of it....But it's ok because Oprah voted for him so he must be good.

America wanted change? I'm afraid you're going to get it and probably not like the results. It's amazing how easily people will "follow" instead of thinking for themselves. I've always found it to be WEAK when people do something because others are and not because they know why they are doing it. Colin Powell will not run for President...you know why? Because he thinks he'd win based on the color of his skin. A man who would probably make the best President in history refuses to run because he knows America will not vote for any other reason other than the color of his skin....How right was he? Obama proved that in 1 day!!

Like every other President....America is jazzed about him now and hates him in 4 years....Yeah, you got him elected because it was the cool thing to do and because he's black....Please don't complain when it don't pan out and turns out to be the WORST decision in American history. Next time you hear the National Anthem, look around for a Vet and then walk over to him and spit in his face, rip the flag patch off his uniform and piss on it....It's what you did when you voted for Obama.

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

I Can Barely Contain Myself.....

Ok so there are 2 things that for some reason I can't do without. It's like crack addiction, I guess. You know it's no good but you HAVE to have it. The 2 things for me are......you have a dirty mind, I know what you're thinking....ok 3 things, but that's for another blog.....So 2 things, cheesy "B" rated horror movies and any and all martial arts movies!! Seriously, I'll watch ANY horror movie made, no matter how bad it sucks and I'll do the same with martial arts movies. And it's not like I just catch them on cable...No, no, no...I'll browse movie shelves and netflix to get them. I actually work to find these movies. And ya know what? I LOVE em!!!

Ok so....1 of my all time favorite martial arts movies is being remade. The 1985 classic The Last Dragon. I am jazzed beyond belief. Not only is The Last Dragon one of my all time favorite Martial Arts movies but it also holds 1 of my all time favorite movie characters in it....The Shogun Of Harlem - Sho'Nuff (pictured below, with a video clip)

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I've learned today that the remake will feature none other than the king of "Motherfucker" Samuel L. Jackson as Sho'Nuff!!! Not only is Sam Jackson freaking AWESOME but now he's playing one of the most awesome movie characters of all time....It just don't get any better than that. You KNOW I'll be in the theater the FIRST night this movie comes out. If you grew up in the 80's and haven't seen The Last Dragon...you must have grown up in a cave!! Rent it, it's soooooo worth it.

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Friday, October 31, 2008

5 Jams On My iPod Today

Ok...Since it's Halloween, my all time favorite holliday...EVER!! I thought I'd let you in on my festive choice of music to get ready to go out tonight. NO!! I don't do dress up, but I do love Halloween and everything that goes along with it...IN THE ADULT WORLD!!

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Nightmare On My Street: C'mon now...tell me it's not a kick ass Halloween jam?!?!

Bobby "Boris" Pickett & The Crypt Kickers - Monster Mash:
NO Halloween is complete without the Monster Mash!

Korn & Marilyn Manson - Sleepy Hallow: This was a song I heard in the Haunted Forrest and I HAD to have it...creepy and KICK ASS!!

Michael Jackson - Thriller: Hands down the best video EVER made and the perfect Halloween jam.

Marilyn Manson - This Is Halloween: Because it's the BEST Halloween song...EVER!! And because Jack Skellington is the best character...EVER!!!!

*BONUS TRACK* The Adams Family Theme Song: Just because I like it..OK?!?!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

5 Jams On My iPod Today

J. Holiday - Suffocate: Pretty good jam, something good to play when she's on top and you're going UUUGGGHHHHHH!!

Paramore - My Hero: Paramore's version of the Foo Fighters classic....To me Paramore does no wrong, so YEA...it's good!

DJ Kalid, Trick Daddy, Rick Ross, Plies, T-Pain - I'm So Hood: For all you ghetto white boys who dream of being a brotha and claim Green Valley is the hood. Rock On!

Christina Aguilera - Dirty: Just because I wanna bang her and this video made me feel funny in my pants once.

Metallica - ONE: Enough said!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Another Monday......MUTE MY TV!!!

Ok...So I haven't watched Monday Night Football with sound in 3 years....seriously, it's muted...SERIOUSLY!!!

My fucking ears BLEED when I hear the voice of Tony Kornheiser. You know Tony...he's the third wheel in the booth with Tirico and Jaws. I swear to your God, the fucking guy hasn't said anything worth while, intelligent, or even remotely interesting...EVER! He tells these stupid jokes...circa 1940, has let a racial slur slip a time or two, and has completely destroyed ACTUAL NFL facts on a regular basis. He's fucked up facts so often that I actually believed someone was PUNKING him and feeding misinformation on purpose...NOPE!! He's just that god damn stupid. I'm baffled as to how or why he's even employed. I had to google him because I thought he must own ESPN or something because NOBODY would actually give this guy a job. You think Dennis Miller was bad on MNF? HA!! Tony Kornholio makes Dennis Miller look like John Madden in the booth.

So every Monday, even if it's a highly anticipated, good game on the schedule....I seriously get a little depressed because I know I'm either gonna skip it altogether OR watch it muted with my itunes playing. I'd rather jam a fucking fork in my eye than listen to Tony Kornheiser for 15 seconds. The guy has KILLED Monday Night Football....Now someone....PLEASE KILL HIM!!!!


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Sunday, October 26, 2008

He's Cockblocking!!!

You're a really, really sweet girl. I knew when I met you at that party last year that you were different, but I wasn’t sure how. You were really hot, one of the only other sober people there, and you speak Spanish, which I enjoy thoroughly. We had a nice chat, I got your number and my friend Anne has emailed me no less than three times telling me you ask about me a lot. I was psyched to meet up with you the other night, and you looked so hot, again.

But your a Jesus freak. I mean, I know about the guy, and I think it's cool to have a spiritual side and all, but you're really all about him, aren't you? It took about 5 minutes for me to realize that we were going to talk about god all night. And I really tried to sympathize with your faith that Jesus gave you a second chance at life after a rough childhood. I was struggling to find encouraging things to say, and I held my tongue pretty well. But here's the deal:

I don't believe in god, babe. Nope, not even an inkling. I'm what you call an Agnostic, because your organization needs a word to describe people who don't believe what you believe. Agnostic is a newer, kinder word. I would have been a heretic, sinner, witch, blasphemer or Satanist had we met in another century, but now, I'm Agnostic. Or secular humanist, or, as I like to say, normal. And, sadly, you're in a cult. A Messianic cult, which may be better than some other cults, but it's still a cult, and you're completely brainwashed. I mean, there's very little room in your thinking for any kind of science, let alone philosophy or literature that isn't written in praise of your Leader, and that just sucks, conversationally speaking. I mean we can't really talk about anything without your ultimate arbiter coming into play, at which point the conversation is over. Here's an example from the other night:

Me: Yeah, there was another protest about same sex marriage downtown today, I checked it out.

You: Well homosexuality is a sin against god's plan, you know.

Me: Right. More wine?

What do I say then? You trump everything with the J man, and I have to change the subject, because to debate the issue is to bring up your faith, which is pretty much not debatable. I mean, sure, I could just say I believe this because a magic pie I worship tells me so, but where would that leave us? Pretty much right here.

The toughest part is, all of your holiness is really getting in the way of my porno titfuck fantasy of you. I mean, I really want to do this, it's completely absorbing my thoughts lately, but I feel like Jesus is standing between me and my desire to make love to your breasts. I can almost see his face right in your cleavage saying, No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer! And all I want to do is defile you in every way possible, but your beliefs are really fucking up my plan.

So, since nobody really knows what Jesus would do anyway, I'm enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits. And here's my plan: I'm going to play along with your Jesus land fantasy for a bit, and slowly convince you that, yes, Jesus wants us to get freaky. Any act that inspires you to yell his name in ecstasy HAS to be god's will. So, baby, let's fuck for Jesus.

Amen.

Female Lead Singers

So I've never really been a fan of rock bands with female lead singers.....I mean since Heart and Fleetwood Mac pretty much set the standard, it's been a tough act to follow.

Then along came Evanescence and they were awesome. Solid music and a female lead singer, but the buck stopped there. I was sure that rock bands with female lead singers weren't for me, unless it was Heart, Fleetwood Mac, or Evanescence.......Then BAM! Flyleaf and Paramore hit the scene and I have to say that they are BOTH awesome!!!

So my faith in rock bands with female lead singers has been renewed, although I'm pretty sure these 5 bands will be VERY hard to top. Flyleaf and Paramore are so bad ass I actually BOUGHT their music, typically I just (shhhhh) illegally download all my music LMAO, but because I haven't heard a bad Flyleaf OR Paramore song yet, I felt I should invest. I'm definitely a fan!! But I will say.....as of right now, Flyleaf is my favorite rock band with a female lead singer...they just kick ass!!

Here are my favorite Flyleaf and Paramore songs....enjoy!!

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick



Paramore - CrushCrushCrush

Friday, October 24, 2008

Super Troopers Kicks ASS!!!

So I watched Super Troopers today and I haven't watched in a while, and I don't know why because it's one of the funniest movies EVER!! I'd have to rank it right up there with Superbad and The Burbs as one of my all time favorite comedies. It's hilarious and always guarantees a laugh. So if you've never seen it...GO GET IT!!! You can thank me later.

Here's a couple clips....





Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Yeah....So! Get Over It!!!

Ok so it's no secret that I am probably the most unfiltered, inappropriate person you know. I find humor where others (the uptight people) don't. I laugh at things that make most people shriek. I mean who gives a fuck anyway? At some point, everyone gets made fun of. To me, the NORMAL ones know how to laugh at it and find it's humor, the others.....well they're just simple minded folk who need an enema!! Because let's face it....Life without laughter is basically death. So whatever makes you laugh, stand by it and own it...Don't feel bad because what made you laugh may offend someone else...Like the old saying goes...Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

So I was driving home from work and decided I wanted to laugh. To put myself in a good mood. I have several different comedians in my collection for whatever your taste may call for. Today it was Sarah Silverman. The chick is wildly inappropriate and so NOT politically correct and I find her to be one of the funniest people alive. Here's a couple clips of her.....If you find them funny, great....if not......nobody really gives a shit, broaden your horizons and lighten the fuck up a bit. Lifes 1 big joke and you just haven't gotten it yet.












Tuesday, October 14, 2008

TBS Announcers SUCK!!!

Ok so my Red Sox are losing big.....AGAIN. It's 11-1 in the 6th. So if that's not painful enough, the jackass announcer has to throw in, right before the break......The "Boston Massacre will continue when we return" What an asshole....I hope he gets dick cancer!!! Why does everyone hate the Red Sox? You're all supposed to hate the Yankees!!!! How can you hate a team that has STEPHEN KING as a fan?

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Note To The President....

Thanks for fucking up my DVR recordings on Wednesday with your lame, pathetic 15 minute speech. Like ANYONE in the ENTIRE U.S gave a single flying fuck about what you had to say anyway.

In short....the season premiere of Criminal Minds, and the 4th episode of Bones is 110% more important than a SINGLE thing that could EVER come out of your mouth. So not that you EVER do anything good anyway....but thanks again for opening your cock box and fucking up my recordings you douchebag!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Diddy, Diddy......DOG SHIT!!! HAHAHAHA

I saw these pics on the web today and laughed my uncontrollably for several minutes. I really HATE Douchebag Diddy so this really made my day...

It couldn't have happened to a bigger douche. He probably screamed at that dog shit for not watching where it's going. The bodyguard knows what's coming and you can tell he's deciding whether or not he wants to scream "I quit this bitch," or if he wants to get on his knees and actually clean that shit up. Diddy stepping in a pile of doggy butt nuggets is not sexy, but it's definitely fucking funny......Enjoy!

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Blown Away.....

So I've completely fallen in love with a new show. From the amazingly brilliant, JJ Abrams...The guy who brought us Alias, Lost, and the movie Cloverfield.....JJ has outdone himself with FRINGE!!! A Science Fiction (or is it) Masterpiece! However you want to clasify it, it has my preverbial inner conspiracy theorist running rampid.

The show is only 2 episodes old and I'm telling you, it's the most incredible show I've ever seen. I'm completely hooked (And just in time since this is the final season of The Shield)!!! I hope it can maintain and keep up with it's first 2 episodes, and not peter out like Lost did by Season 3. The first 2 episodes of FRINGE were SICK!!! It was edge of your seat, what the hell is going to happen next kind of stuff. If you're not watching FRINGE....Wake the hell up and add it to your DVR...It's MUST SEE stuff. It airs on Tuesdays at 8pm on FOX. Here's a couple clips......Watch them then go set your DVR....You can thank me later!!




Sunday, September 14, 2008

She's STILL Hot!!!!!

Ok...So there was a bit of a debate today while I watched my Seahawks get beat by ANOTHER sub par team (more on that later).....Anyway, the debate came after a commercial for some show that Brooke Shields is in. I say..."Ya know, Brooke Shields is STILL freakin HOT!!!" Immediately you'd have thought I said...ya know, I really want to bang Estelle Getty in the ass. Damned near EVERY person in the room argued that Brooke is NOT hot......HATERS!!!! She's totally hot.

Look, Brooke Shields holds a special place in my heart. She was my first sexual experience, I did her 3 times a day....EVERYDAY...back in the day. Ok, so she wasn't physically present...but we did sexy times DAILY. She was my first!! So all you haters out there...STFU!! Brooke Shields IS STILL freakin HOT!!!

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Friday, September 5, 2008

Ocho F'N Cinco?? Are You KIDDING Me?!?!

So another NFL season is upon us and all I can think of is...THANK GOD FOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!

The joke that is the NFL has yet ANOTHER clown in it's circus. As if having Terrell Owens in the NFL isn't the worst thing EVER....We now have Chad Ocho Cinco formerly known as Chad Johnson. Yes...this ASSHOLE legally changed his name to reflect his jersey number of 85. What's unbelievably fucking hillarious is that Ocho Cinco isn't 85...it's 8, 5....85 is ochenta y cinco. What if this retard gets traded or goes to another team and someone else on that team already has #85? Will he then change his name to Ocho Cinco No Mas? Why did he do this? Well for obvious reasons of it's all about ME...He wanted the name on his jersey to say Ocho Cinco instead of Johnson. What a JACKASS!!

This is the problem with the NFL. It makes me SICK! The selfishness and overall lack of TEAM that lies within players deemd as "stars". Chad Johnson plays ON A TEAM yet all he cares about is himself. What's even worse is a so called PROFESSIONAL football franchise actually writes a check to this asshole for millions of dollars then sends him out on the field every Sunday to show his ass. How can a TEAM or a LEAGUE allow a guy a job when he CLEARLY doesn't give a fuck about the NFL, The Cincinnati Bengals, or the fans in general? How does the team or the NFL NOT fine this assclown? What's even worse, the GREED of the league will have him in the starting lineup, probably scoring a touchdown or 2 and then doing what? Acting like a fucking tool in the end zone, bringing attention to himself rather than his TEAM. Do the Bengals actually wonder why they SUCK? I'd love to be the owner of this team, it would be worth it to pay Chad and never allow him a single play on the field. I'd sit his ass on the bench and never let him see a down. I know you may be thinking...I'd cut him or trade him.....but the GREED of the NFL would just move this asshole to another team who will allow his antics. Sit his ass out an entire year OR until he drops the rediculous name change and TAKE the spotlight away. When he speaks out about it, FINE HIM!! This is why the NFL sucks! It's all about the dollar and not about the sport....thank God for College Football.....with any luck Chad Ocho Cinco will get hit by a fucking bus!!!! Do us a favor and change your name to "Soy un idiota egoísta" It'll be a much better fit!

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Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm Randy Hunt and I Approve This Message

GOVERNMENT IN GENERAL: Take all the hard-working illegal immigrants we have in the country right now and give Green Cards to the ones who can speak English (the official language of this country). Make English mandatory for anyone wishing to become a citizen. Lower the price and remember the words on the bottom of the Statue of Liberty. There, problem solved.

REPUBLICANS: Your form of government and economics relies too much on the honor system. The honor system does not work. We are a greedy, selfish, easily-angered species that cannot keep our emotions in check. Stick to running businesses, not countries.

I like making my own decisions. Do not choose what is best for me. Freedom of Speech, Religion, and the pursuit of life, liberty, happiness, and all that jazz are constitutionally guaranteed. If I mess up, it's my damn fault. This includes fudge packing, pot smoking, bdsm, and all of those other "naughty" things you hate so much. According to the above, this is all okay (YIPEE!). If you don't like it, change the channel/dial/view and turn up some music. I don't crucify you when you go to church, sit in a stuffy suit, and sing (badly) for hours on end. Please do not crucify me if I decide to "put it where it doesn't belong" while wearing a dog collar and smoking a big, phat Bahama Joint. I work, I pay taxes, and I don't hit old ladies when I'm driving. What more do you f'ucking want from me?

DEMOCRATS: Waah, waah, waah! Life sucks, get a helmet. I don't care if you're underclass, underage, underappreciated, undernourished, or under someone's foot. There are 7 billion and 5 different programs out there and I am sure that one of them will help you from making your own decisions.

Guns don't kill people. Little, metal projectiles kill people. His or her mother/father/TV/Radio/Video Game/Internet Porn Site/Brothers-Mothers-Nephews-Cousins-Former Roommate did NOT make them shoot Person Y. He/She shot person Y. He (I got tired of writing He/She so shut up) had his finger on the trigger. He made the conscious decision to send that neurochemical to his synapses, fire of some electrical impulses, squeeze, and redecorate the nearby scenery in a lovely shade of crimson and brain-matter grey. Nut up and take some personal responsibility (**GASP** No!) If you can't teach your kids "right from wrong", DON'T BREED!!!

As I said to the REPUBLICANS, I like making my own decisions. If I don't want to listen to your Public Service Announcements that smoking is bad for me and I should quit or else I'm the spawn of Loki, Satan, Lucifer, or whatever devil you see, guess what? I can change the channel! Wow! It's called freedom of choice.

I don't have to hire Joe-Bob-Billy-Jim-Joe because he's Marimalamikian and I have to keep a certain quota of them on my work force. Hell, I don't have to meet any sort of quota! Why? Because all the employees I hire can do their job! Wow! What a fucking concept! It's called the Civil Rights Amendment. And no, I'm not biased against Marimalamikian's or whatever. I hate everyone equally because, for the most part, everyone is stupid. Everyone!

GREEN PARTY: Like it or not, pollution is part of nature! You're not trying to "save the planet", you're trying to save this selfish species and our way of life. Once again, life sucks, get a helmet! No matter what you think/feel/say/do, everything that has happened to this point in time has happened because IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! The only way we are going to destroy the planet is if we fired our nuclear arsenal at a single point on the planet and physically cracked it. The planet shatters. Only then is the world destroyed. Life continues on with or without our pathetic (and other pathetic) species. Deal.

CAUCASIAN AMERICANS: The African American Lawyer will not go on a tirade of how you are oppressing him as long as you don't bring it up. The Mexican Immigrant will not ask you for help unless he needs it because he works hard. The Asian Americans will not try to give you a shady deal if you are HONEST with your intentions. Native Americans ARE part of this society. Get over it. You are not the most important person here. Life does not revolve around you.

AFRICAN AMERICANS: It ended more than 100 years ago and I wasn't there. Get over it.

ASIAN AMERICANS: I group you all together because a lot of your behavior patterns are the same. I also don't care to write a letter to each of you so here it goes - take a few Student Driving courses, loosen up a bit, and smack a doctor next time he says that Qi Gong/Tai Chi/Acupuncture or Acupressure is a waste of time. After all, 6000 years and 1 Billion plus people can't be wrong.

MEXICAN/LATIN AMERICANS: All that I ask is that you learn to speak English. It's the official language of this country and I speak Spanish/Portuguese/whatever when I go to your country. It's respectful. Other than that, keep up the good work and pass the salsa.

PACIFIC ISLANDERS & NATIVE AMERICANS: Where the hell are you guys?!? Join the party! We won't bite (unless you ask)! To put it simply, I have never found a person out of either two of these groups that I did not like.

EUROPEANS (minus France): For the time being, New York and California are not seceding from the US. Sad, I know, but give it time. If things don't work out between the US and yourselves, just remember to miss CA and NY with the nukes. After all, we love you guys.

FRANCE: You are dead to me. For everyone one of your people that I have met who has not been a complete asshole, I meet ten that are. You have as much respect for everyone else as the rest of the US does (which is none).

CANADA: If Quebec wants to leave, let them. Come join us here in Cali or NY. We could use the support/drinking buddies.

THE US EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: Remember the days of holding people back? Failing Students? Teaching to the top? Teaching practical application OVER quantifiable numeric’s? Me too. Bring it back!

MEN: If you only have enough blood in your body to use one brain at a time, get a transfusion. Your dick is not an excuse. It is merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

WOMEN: 2/3 of the world's best assassins are female, some of the more intelligent doctors are female, etc. Your ovaries and tits are not excuses. They are merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

CHILDREN: Nut up, get out on the blacktop, and throw that dodge ball back at that little shit harder than he threw it at you. Did you knock him in the mud? Good! Now his immune system will be stronger. Play rough! Play hard! Play dirty! It builds character (remember that?!?).

THE US (INCLUDING CA AND NY): Lighten the fuck up, people! It's just life! People get hurt and die. Bad things happen. Hell, 99.9% of all humor is derived from the pain, agony, misery, and suffering of ourselves and others. The other .1% sucks for telling jokes.

We are not the police of the world. If you don't walk over to your neighbor's yard, throw your dick on his lawn, and tell him how to mow it, then you shouldn't go into another person's country, throw down your "dick", and tell him not to run it. It's called respect, something the people of this country are lacking.

ALL HATE GROUPS: Your sister is not a good choice for genetic diversity. Burning crosses are cliché. The only difference between you and whomever you hate is either religious (which you'll never agree on so just get over it) or pigmental. Melanin is a natural body protein that cause you to **gasp** get tan! Lots of Melanin = Darker Skin = Better protection from the sun. WOW!

Either live respectfully with the rest of us or die screaming. We don't need you or want you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

5 Things That Irritated Me Today.....ALREADY!!

Ok so yesterday sucked ass and it's probably just me being extremely annoyed today because it carried over. Things today are just bothering the fucker outta me.....I thought I'd share.

1.These Boost Mobile phones ads. Y'know the ones ... "Now you can chirp your homies whenever you want!" and "Where you at?" Fuck you. I'm gonna be AT your house with a foot up your ass if you don't stop chirping me, homie.

2. And on the subject of phones, who came up with text messaging? Fuck that guy in the ear. I tried it the other night, it took me five minutes to key in "call me later" to a friend, who ended up calling me in the middle of my text message and left me a voice mail that said, "text me later dawg!" What a fucking waste of technology. And to people who have long conversations via text messaging - pick up the fucking phone and talk to them you socially inept, dysfunctional douchebag!

3. People waiting in line for the release of new video games. Hey, dudes, want a sure fire way to guarantee you won't feel the warm touch of a woman for the next 10 years? Stand out in line in front of a video game store for a few hours. Nothing says chronic masturbator like wearing a Donkey Kong t-shirt and standing in front of Game Crazy at 7 AM (They don’t open until 10) with your fellow gamers. Geek factor 10+ for all you fuckers. Pay me $40 of the $70 bucks you're gonna pay and I'll download it for you......IDIOTS!!

4. People with teddy bears in their cars. Okay, I can understand a 16 year female doing this, but every time I see a guy in his supped up Honda complete with teddy bears staring at me from the back window I get a good idea of who wears the pants in that relationship. Knock that shit off...it's a fucking car, not your bedroom.....Aside from the fact that you're clearly breaking at least 5 man laws.

5. The pens in my office. Or should I say the lack of. Fuck, I buy a ten pack of those blue paper mate medium point pens every week and sure as shit, come Friday they are gone. They're not in my office, they're not in the data entry girls' desk drawers, the delivery trucks, the warehouse, the break room, the back office, the floor, the garbage, my clipboard or pockets. Conclusion: they're being abducted by aliens in some weird Area 51 conspiracy to rid the world of simple communication. Guess I'll have to text message everything since I can't find a fucking pen to write it down.

Happy Hump Day...Where you AT?!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Things I've Learned From My Spam Box

So I'm almost sure someone I fired has signed me up for some sort of mailing list(s) because over the past month, my spam has gone from nearly 0 to at least 25 a day. Our IT swears they are trying to "work on it" Yeah ok...whatthefuckever!! So I figured I'd throw out a few things that I learned from my spam box today.

**18 yr old Christy, is the hottest porn star on the net!
Who knew? You go, Christy! and at the tender age of 18. man, just think where she'll be when she's 50!

**Enlarge Your Penis Now!
But it's so big already. Would that be fair?

**MILF mania is back again with these hot mom's videos!
I didn't realize it had ever left. I guess when MILFs get excited they forget how to spell.

**Firs time babes get banged good!
You’d hope so. It’d be a shame for the first time to be less than special.

**Get a $1000 gift card for Free. Pick a store in your area.
Wow! That sounds like a great deal. How about good vibrations?

**Daphne, The only cure for grief is action.
Hmmm…am I Daphne? Or is this just meant to be an abstract, poetic thing?

**Passion should last forever.
Yes, it really should. So often it doesn't though.

**Christy creams every time a guy turns her on!
That Christy again. Her pussy is like pavlov's dog. She’s so swampy she doesn't know "every time" is two words. She is dangerously close to a trademark suit from a donut company.

**Please your girl further! Enlarge your penis now!
Is that possible? To please her further, I mean. Kind of sounds like an order, and I don't like to be bossed around. What if I want to enlarge my penis later?

**Hank, Abstinence is the surety of temperance.
I'm not sure who hank is, but that sounds reasonable. I bet this guy voted for bush.

**We can propose you the optimum quality computer software.
Great, I've been waiting for someone to propose me some software. And coming from a guy named "Algernon Fkliraf" you know it's on the up and up.

**Economize 90 percents and much more on your recipes.
My recipes have been terribly un-economical lately. I've only been economizing 10-20 percents on good days. This is arriving just in time.

**You can refinance, even with bad credit.
I don't have anything to refinance. And I don't have bad credit. Has a nice direct, no bullshit tone though. gotta like that.

**No Fraud --- Real Science! Expand your penis.
The penis thing again. I'm starting to get a complex. I don't really need this, but if I did I would want it without fraud, and with lots of science...preferably the real kind.

**Any narcotics at 0.58Euro for dose.
Cool. If I decide to buy some narcotics I really want to pay for them in Euros, from a guy named "Hermann Werjsfiy".

**Get Your Degree In Criminal Justice.
Finally, a calling. OJ, watch out. You’ve played your last round of golf.



They just seem to keep coming, so maybe I'll update later.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I Am McLovin'

So a few friends were over last night and someone said "let's watch a movie" and because I am the center of the blue-ray universe and have a video store in my livingroom, it was a fair request. Now when the subject came up of what to watch, it was unanimously voted that it was to be a comedy. Almost Immediately I said.....SUPERBAD!!! several agreed and were very enthusiastic of my comedy taste...it's quite good, I might add.....but then something happened, something alarming....there were people in my house that actually said "What's Superbad" OMG!! Blasphemy!!! What's Superbad? It's only the most awesome comedy....EVER!!! Let's put it this way, all comedies are now a distant 2nd in my book when it comes to Superbad. And when I say this movie will make you laugh until you hurt.....I'm understating a bit. This movie will not only make you laugh until you hurt, it will make you laugh until you cry then as soon as it ends, you'll want to replay it immediately....it's THAT funny!!! So if you are of the minority who aren't familiar with Superbad......until you watch it, you're dead to me!!! Here's a few clips to warm you up.










Friday, August 22, 2008

Su-Fi Bitches!!!!

So anyone who read my old blog KNOWS I'm a HUGE Dane Cook fan. Last night a friend and I got to talking and ended up laughing our asses off over some Dane Cook material.....In honor of that (AWESOME) friend and because it's Friday and you should be laughing....Here's some kick ass Dane material.....Love it Bitches!!!!






Monday, August 11, 2008

Obtaining An Olympic Medal

While watching the Olympics, a friend and I got into a small debate over the magnitude of being an Olympic medalist, as opposed to other sports championships.

Now while I'm a complete and total sports nut, I give total props where they're due. Looking at all the different sports championships, I believe the Olympics is the greatest of all. Let's think about what it takes just to make it to the podium.

While the NFL. MLB, NBA, NHL, and even all NCAA sports all have awesome athletes, in EACH of these sports a person on said team can claim to be a "champion", technically they're right...you were a member of the team that won the championship. However, in each of these sports...there are people who never play a down, run a base, sink a 3, take a slapshot who obtain the title of champion. I was watching a painful program that followed the (UGH) Cowboys through training camp....They made a reference to the ONLY superbowl champion on their current roster being a guy who was on the New York Giants practice squad last season...the PRACTICE SQUAD. Point made!!

To be a medalist in the Olympics, you have to run the gauntlet. First you spend 4 years trying to earn the right to qualify for ANY sport in the Olympics. Once qualified for an Olympic sport and now in the Olympics...an athlete has to compete in several qualifying events just to make it to the final. Competing in the final are the single most elite athletes in that sport, the best in the world competing for 3 spots. So you won a bronze....ehhh the bronze is 3rd place..NO! The bronze is the 3rd best in the WORLD, meaning only 2 other people on earth are better than you. Yay...I won a silver...hey 2nd place is better than nothing....NO! The silver means you were within reach of greatness, you are better than everyone on earth except ONE person. Now let's look at the gold....an Olympic gold medalist is the pinnacle. You've outlasted and outworked the rest of the world. Not a person on earth is better than you. You spend years just to make it to the Olympics, then you spent all you had to qualify to compete for the medal...then in that competition of ALL the best in the world..YOU came out 1st. It's freakish, it's ridiculous, it's INSANE!!! You weren't on the practice squad, you weren't a backup, you competed, you won, you are THE BEST!!

I just don't feel that ANY athlete can compare themselves to that of an Olympic medalist. I mean let's face it...the NBA and MLB have guys DYING to make the team just to get that medal and in the basketball and baseball held at the Olympics...the ONLY people who get medals are those who COMPETE...it's so highly devised, not even a coach gets a medal...that's how big of a deal it is. If you didn't play, you don't get shit!! So next time you think...ehhh, the Olympics are ok, I guess....remember that there's NO OTHER athlete on earth that's on their level!!!! I mean hell.....try to spell Olympics with a lower case "o"...you get an error a typo...capitalize that shit!! Yeah, it's a big deal.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Olympic Fever '08

So there are 2 moments in sports where I truly get UBER EXCITED. Like totally enthralled and so set to watch, follow, cheer, and agonize that I can hardly contain myself.

1. The beginning of the College Football Season
2. The Olympics

The summer Olympics is by far my favorite. Now don't get me wrong I love the winter Olympics, but I LOVE the summer Olympics. I have to admit I can feel it, it's close. The athletes of Team USA are on the brink of the Olympic Games. The moment that they have worked their asses off for. The moment they have laid in bed and dreamed about. All their hard work is about to be put to the test. Olympic athletes awe me. These are the absolute BEST athletes in the world. They don't do it for a huge salary, for free agency, for selfishness...they do it for the glory and they do it for TEAM USA!!! They do it to see if they are the BEST in the entire world. Do you realize what it takes just to make it on an Olympic team? My hats off to every single man and woman that will wear the red, white, and blue in Beijing and represent. We're rooting for you, we're cheering for you, we BELIEVE in you, and when you're on that podium receiving the gold and the Anthem is playing....we'll cry with you. Do your thing, Olympic Athlete.....we've got your back!!!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Top Of The Food Chain?

So I am lounging around today, slightly hungover, just chillin and channel surfing. I came across some interesting viewing pleasure, that along with my morbid sense of humor and lack of compassion...at times, allowed me to sit for a full 60 minutes completely, and totally glued to the TV. The show was named......ANIMAL ATTACKS!!! Oh yeah!!!

Now I realized that after like the 3rd story, a pattern was developing. First of all these were mainly stories about people who worked and elected to "hang" with said animals....People like the guy who "trains" wild animals for Hollywood movies, people who "perform" with wild animals for show, people who wish to "save" wild animals....you get the picture. Anyway...I noticed a pattern developing. Each story, and I mean EACH story, there was some asshole who was saying...he/she was such a kind and gentle animal, never a problem before, I don't know why this happened. And here I am thinking....BECAUSE YOU'RE FOOD, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

When a person CHOOSES to hang out in an enviroment where they are no longer the top of the food chain, how can you be shocked when you get eaten? Like the moron who "saves" big cats. Lions, Tigers, Panthers, Cougars, etc.....so 1 day he's holding this lioness....the hunter of the lion species, I might add...by a collar and a chain, she is getting yanked and pulled and ordered by this guy to "obey" then when she turns, looks, and says to herself...look idiot, yank me again and I'm gonna fuck you up....the guy pulls her to turn her and BAM! she jumps on his ass and mauls him. YOU DESERVED IT!!! It was wicked too, the camera guy jumped on top of some wooden box, but the sick bastard kept rolling LMAO...the lioness got finished and she had blood all over her face, the guy laying in a lump, half dead...and she calmly walks away, as if to say....Who's you're daddy!! How can anyone be shocked this happened? Then we have the asshole who decided training grizzly bears for Hollywood was the job for him. here he is with an 8 foot, 2000lb grizzly bear and he's treating it as if it were a runt puppy he found on the street. So he's doing an interview for some news show, the grizzly bear is restless and probably saying...what the fuck am I doing sitting here like a circus seal with this asshole yanking on me and telling me what to do...so the grizzly calmly leans over and bites a chunk out of the guys neck, kills him instantly!! then amongst the horror and screaming...walks away and I swear had a look on his face that said.....Thanks for the appetizer!! Next is the story about the jackass that was an "activist" for the saving of wild grizzly bears in Alaska, he had this popular documentary about his life with the bears. This idiot actually setup camp in the most highly populated area in Alaska where wild grizzly bears hang out..turned on his camera and filmed himself getting close to the bears, naming the bears, acting like a bear, basically everything that screams...IM AN ASSHOLE, PLEASE EAT ME!!! So near the "end" of his journey he decides to bring his girlfriend out with him to show her and the world how "safe" it is....After about a week, nobody heard from him so the Park Rangers went to check on him. They found his campsite destroyed, and his half eaten girlfriend laying dead IN her tent......there was no trace of him whatsoever. Over the next several weeks, Rangers tracked the bears in the area by their shit...yeah, their piles of shit left around the area...and what did they find in 90% of the bear shit laying around? You got it...the dumbass who wanted to "live" with the bears....I mean that's a statement by the bears...they ate ALL of him, then shit him out all over the Alaska Wilderness. If that don't scream STAY THE FUCK OUT...I don't know what does.

I guess in closing, my point being, I have NO SYMPATHY for the idiots who choose to tempt fate and think they can tame or train wild animals. Furthermore, I think when said wild animals attack your ass, I guess you should have thought your life's path out a little better. You don't mess with something that is higher up on the food chain than you are, unless you're ready to get fucked up!! Then WHEN you get eaten, please make sure you have a will telling your friends and family NOT to come on a show named Animals Attacks and go on and on about how you don't understand why this happened. Or he/she was such a loving and kind animal. They are the top of the food chain, and YOU'RE FOOD....leave them alone!!!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Flashback For A Special Friend

Was it REALLY 20+ years ago? You're STILL top shelf as far as I'm concerned. Awesome then, and even more awesome now.


Unintentional Stalker

It was late. We happened to be walking on the same path away from the same nightspot. I knew you were nervous--I would be too if I was a petite female, walking alone on a desolate and dark city street at 1:00 a.m. on a Wednesday night.

You were about fifty feet in front of me. I was going to turn right. You turned right. Soon, I was going to turn left. You turned left. I tried walking slower to let you get ahead of me. Unfortunately, you decided to walk slower at the exact moment I did. I then decided to start walking very fast, so that I could pass you by, let you be in control of the situation by being behind me. You started walking fast at the exact moment I did.

I considered taking another turn or stopping. Anything to let you get way ahead of me, to get me off of your path so that you could relax because I know you thought you were being followed by a strange man. It was muggy and smelled of rain outside though, so I continued walking toward my destination, a parking garage. I somehow knew this was your destination as well.

You walked into the sanctuary of the garage, and I paused to give you time to get to your vehicle. With the luck I was having, you were probably parked right next to me and the coincidence would press the situation enough for me to get maced, I thought.

I thought my break gave you enough time to get to your car without some strange guy on your heels. I got in the elevator and pushed the button for the fifth floor, where I was parked.

The elevator stopped on floor 3. The doors opened. And there you were. You forgot where you parked. I wouldn't have been offended if you didn't get on the elevator, but you did. You shrank away from me, and I could smell your fear along with the strong fragrance of whatever alcohol you had been drinking all evening. You didn't push a button on the elevator. Of course, you were getting off on my floor. Shit.

I wanted to get off the elevator first to show you that I wasn't stalking you, to let you walk behind me for a change. Unfortunately, when the elevator doors parted you were off like a horse at the gate. You walked fast, I walked slowly. We were both headed in the same direction, again. It was at this point that I started to become a bit angry, not so much at you, but at the truths of society that helped to create this uncomfortable situation. So I walked slowly, and felt like the killer in a B horror movie who always catches up with the victim no matter how slowly he walks or how quickly the female victim runs.

To make things worse, a pebble was stuck in the grooves of the sole of my shoe. You walked quickly, and behind you you heard the "clink-clomp" of my pebble laden shoe hitting the hard concrete. You panicked at this point, I think. Thankfully, you turned left up the ramp, and I went right, toward my car.

The parking deck was empty of cars, save mine and one parked right next to it. I absolutely knew the car next to mine was yours. You were now wandering around the sixth floor I think, either avoiding me and waiting for me to leave or truly drunk and lost. I got in my car, started it up and let it warm up a bit. I wanted to help you. . .and then I saw you in my rearview mirror. Miss, whomever you are, please don't ever accept a ninja or spy job, because you are suck at trying to conceal yourself from view. Maybe it was the bright pink scarf dangling over the edge of the ramp or the fact that you were perched right underneath a bright halogen lamp, but I could not only see you trying to hide, watching me in my car, but you stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl.

I sighed, put my car into gear, and backed out of my space. I backed out a bit too far, cut the wheel and found my headlights right on you, completely illuminating and exposing your already horrible hiding place. Your eyes looked haunted, like that famous National Geographic cover featuring the woman with the 'haunted eyes.'

The apology: Now I'm truly, truly sorry for my actions at that point I flashed my brights and honked my horn at you like I was firing a machine gun. You jumped and, I think, screamed, but at this point the whole situation had gone too far for me. I also think you needed to sober up a bit more before you got behind the wheel of your car.

As I pulled away, I smiled and waved at you. You gave me the finger. I probably deserved your wrath at this point, but please: In the future, get someone to walk you back or take a cab. You stink at being stealthy. I hope your hangover wasn't too bad.

--Your Unintentional Stalker

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Laughed So Hard It Hurt

A friend emailed me this video today. I laughed so hard I had tears. I must have watched it 50 times, then uploaded it to my youtube account LMAO. Enjoy!!


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tuesday Laughs

So I usually get kinda happy when Tuesday rolls around because of a little TV show called WIPEOUT!!! A few of us gather and drink a few beers and laugh uncontrollably at the misery of others. LMAO!! Seriously, if you're looking to laugh until you hurt, you should definitely watch it. It's on CBS on 8pm. I set my DVR so we can rewind it and laugh some more. the commentary alone is worth it......BIG BALLS!!

Here's a couple clips....seriously, it's well worth the hour spent...trust me!!



Saturday, July 19, 2008

What's On My TV?

So I was sitting here having a cup of coffee and thinking to myself.....My TV future may be in jeopardy. I don't have a really long list of shows that I can't live without, and the one's that have made that list...well let's just say, their days are numbered. Needless to say, this can definitely turn into a problem. Not having thought about it before today, I never really knew the dire straights my regularly scheduled programming addiction had gotten itself into, and that said addiction may quickly turn into a full blown jones. I'll explain.....

First and foremost, it took me a really long time to bounce back after Seinfeld was taken off the air. I was hesitant to let myself fall so deeply in love again....Then I discovered The Shield!!! OMG, I was instantly hooked and that Seinfeld bitch was the dirty whore who banged my best friend....damned near dead to me. My new obsession was THE SHIELD. I own every season on DVD and they are guarded like they were my daughters cherry....seriously! I've had friends stop talking to me because I wouldn't lend them out. I have watched every episode at least 3 times and know all there is to know about the greatest show EVER!!! On Tuesday nights during the season.....don't bother me because I'm locked in the house like a hermit hanging on every plot twist. Alas though, there is a panic of sorts brewing.....The new season of The Shield, Season 7 begins on September 2, 2008.....THE FINAL SEASON!!! Yea, that's it...finished, no more, NADA!!! Seriously, I mean it's like knowing your favorite uncle is gonna die of dick cancer in a couple months and he was the only one who would buy your underage ass some beer and porn. This is just NOT cool.

So I pondered what's next........
I have a very short list of DVR worthy shows, and looking at them after going through the loss of Seinfeld and soon, The Shield, I'm asking myself......How can I commit to another long term relationship that will just end in heartache. I have to admit, Weeds is currently the show set to replace The Shield when it's gone. Weeds is brilliant, funny, and quite possibly the best comedy/drama to EVER be made. Although it does have a couple flaws. 1. It's only 30 minutes, which is fine, if the season runs 24 episodes, however...it only runs 12. Secondly; How long can Nancy really sell weed? Weeds is definitely my #2 but it's barely hanging on.

Now my #3 is a tossup between Dexter and Bones. Both shows are incredibly well written. Bones has a cast that just gels...every person on that show meld together perfectly and the show is awesome, so much so that I never miss an episode and I own the first 2 seasons on DVD. When last season ended and Zach seemingly is done, I have to wonder....will I like it as much? Dexter is also an awesome show....I was instantly hooked on it. What a creative concept....a serial killer that you root for and like, who also happens to be a forensics expert working for the police department.....that's just completely new. Dexter is definitely an awesome show....there again lies the problem, serial killers never last long....and with the bastardization of Showtime allowing the show to go to network TV for reruns, only to be hacked and edited to death....leaves me wondering about it's future. If it ever goes exclusively to network TV...it's over, it will never be as good or even close to it...if it stays on Showtime, how long can Dexter continue to hack up people in Miami before he's busted? Dilemmas!!!

So now I have to ponder what to do when the final season of The Shield is over.....I have to say, my TV addiction, my guilty pleasure, my I can't wait to see what happens next.....may all be over soon enough. I need a suitable replacement. UGH!!! So anyone out there that may know of a DVR worthy show, hit me up........oh and...ummm... Grey's Anatomy(also referred to as the show with the UGLIEST cast in the history of TV), Desperate Housewives and all that shit...NOT DVR worthy. CSI lost Warrick and Grissom for the new season, so its out. Criminal Minds is awesome but it hasn't been the same since Mandy Patinkin left (man he was AWESOME in Dead Like Me)...Lost? That's exactly what that show does to you week in and week out...it LOSES you. I mean come the fuck on...an island that disappears? And who don't want to just beat the shit out of Jack? I'd have killed his ass in season 1 and barbecued him over some hot coals wrapped in palm frans. Sure Survivor is always must see TV but it's not a "show" persay that you can follow...it's reality TV. BIG difference. So throw me some ideas....something WORTHY. What show can't you live without?

Here's a clip from Season 1 of The Shield.....Basically where it all began....