Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm Randy Hunt and I Approve This Message

GOVERNMENT IN GENERAL: Take all the hard-working illegal immigrants we have in the country right now and give Green Cards to the ones who can speak English (the official language of this country). Make English mandatory for anyone wishing to become a citizen. Lower the price and remember the words on the bottom of the Statue of Liberty. There, problem solved.

REPUBLICANS: Your form of government and economics relies too much on the honor system. The honor system does not work. We are a greedy, selfish, easily-angered species that cannot keep our emotions in check. Stick to running businesses, not countries.

I like making my own decisions. Do not choose what is best for me. Freedom of Speech, Religion, and the pursuit of life, liberty, happiness, and all that jazz are constitutionally guaranteed. If I mess up, it's my damn fault. This includes fudge packing, pot smoking, bdsm, and all of those other "naughty" things you hate so much. According to the above, this is all okay (YIPEE!). If you don't like it, change the channel/dial/view and turn up some music. I don't crucify you when you go to church, sit in a stuffy suit, and sing (badly) for hours on end. Please do not crucify me if I decide to "put it where it doesn't belong" while wearing a dog collar and smoking a big, phat Bahama Joint. I work, I pay taxes, and I don't hit old ladies when I'm driving. What more do you f'ucking want from me?

DEMOCRATS: Waah, waah, waah! Life sucks, get a helmet. I don't care if you're underclass, underage, underappreciated, undernourished, or under someone's foot. There are 7 billion and 5 different programs out there and I am sure that one of them will help you from making your own decisions.

Guns don't kill people. Little, metal projectiles kill people. His or her mother/father/TV/Radio/Video Game/Internet Porn Site/Brothers-Mothers-Nephews-Cousins-Former Roommate did NOT make them shoot Person Y. He/She shot person Y. He (I got tired of writing He/She so shut up) had his finger on the trigger. He made the conscious decision to send that neurochemical to his synapses, fire of some electrical impulses, squeeze, and redecorate the nearby scenery in a lovely shade of crimson and brain-matter grey. Nut up and take some personal responsibility (**GASP** No!) If you can't teach your kids "right from wrong", DON'T BREED!!!

As I said to the REPUBLICANS, I like making my own decisions. If I don't want to listen to your Public Service Announcements that smoking is bad for me and I should quit or else I'm the spawn of Loki, Satan, Lucifer, or whatever devil you see, guess what? I can change the channel! Wow! It's called freedom of choice.

I don't have to hire Joe-Bob-Billy-Jim-Joe because he's Marimalamikian and I have to keep a certain quota of them on my work force. Hell, I don't have to meet any sort of quota! Why? Because all the employees I hire can do their job! Wow! What a fucking concept! It's called the Civil Rights Amendment. And no, I'm not biased against Marimalamikian's or whatever. I hate everyone equally because, for the most part, everyone is stupid. Everyone!

GREEN PARTY: Like it or not, pollution is part of nature! You're not trying to "save the planet", you're trying to save this selfish species and our way of life. Once again, life sucks, get a helmet! No matter what you think/feel/say/do, everything that has happened to this point in time has happened because IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! The only way we are going to destroy the planet is if we fired our nuclear arsenal at a single point on the planet and physically cracked it. The planet shatters. Only then is the world destroyed. Life continues on with or without our pathetic (and other pathetic) species. Deal.

CAUCASIAN AMERICANS: The African American Lawyer will not go on a tirade of how you are oppressing him as long as you don't bring it up. The Mexican Immigrant will not ask you for help unless he needs it because he works hard. The Asian Americans will not try to give you a shady deal if you are HONEST with your intentions. Native Americans ARE part of this society. Get over it. You are not the most important person here. Life does not revolve around you.

AFRICAN AMERICANS: It ended more than 100 years ago and I wasn't there. Get over it.

ASIAN AMERICANS: I group you all together because a lot of your behavior patterns are the same. I also don't care to write a letter to each of you so here it goes - take a few Student Driving courses, loosen up a bit, and smack a doctor next time he says that Qi Gong/Tai Chi/Acupuncture or Acupressure is a waste of time. After all, 6000 years and 1 Billion plus people can't be wrong.

MEXICAN/LATIN AMERICANS: All that I ask is that you learn to speak English. It's the official language of this country and I speak Spanish/Portuguese/whatever when I go to your country. It's respectful. Other than that, keep up the good work and pass the salsa.

PACIFIC ISLANDERS & NATIVE AMERICANS: Where the hell are you guys?!? Join the party! We won't bite (unless you ask)! To put it simply, I have never found a person out of either two of these groups that I did not like.

EUROPEANS (minus France): For the time being, New York and California are not seceding from the US. Sad, I know, but give it time. If things don't work out between the US and yourselves, just remember to miss CA and NY with the nukes. After all, we love you guys.

FRANCE: You are dead to me. For everyone one of your people that I have met who has not been a complete asshole, I meet ten that are. You have as much respect for everyone else as the rest of the US does (which is none).

CANADA: If Quebec wants to leave, let them. Come join us here in Cali or NY. We could use the support/drinking buddies.

THE US EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: Remember the days of holding people back? Failing Students? Teaching to the top? Teaching practical application OVER quantifiable numeric’s? Me too. Bring it back!

MEN: If you only have enough blood in your body to use one brain at a time, get a transfusion. Your dick is not an excuse. It is merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

WOMEN: 2/3 of the world's best assassins are female, some of the more intelligent doctors are female, etc. Your ovaries and tits are not excuses. They are merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

CHILDREN: Nut up, get out on the blacktop, and throw that dodge ball back at that little shit harder than he threw it at you. Did you knock him in the mud? Good! Now his immune system will be stronger. Play rough! Play hard! Play dirty! It builds character (remember that?!?).

THE US (INCLUDING CA AND NY): Lighten the fuck up, people! It's just life! People get hurt and die. Bad things happen. Hell, 99.9% of all humor is derived from the pain, agony, misery, and suffering of ourselves and others. The other .1% sucks for telling jokes.

We are not the police of the world. If you don't walk over to your neighbor's yard, throw your dick on his lawn, and tell him how to mow it, then you shouldn't go into another person's country, throw down your "dick", and tell him not to run it. It's called respect, something the people of this country are lacking.

ALL HATE GROUPS: Your sister is not a good choice for genetic diversity. Burning crosses are cliché. The only difference between you and whomever you hate is either religious (which you'll never agree on so just get over it) or pigmental. Melanin is a natural body protein that cause you to **gasp** get tan! Lots of Melanin = Darker Skin = Better protection from the sun. WOW!

Either live respectfully with the rest of us or die screaming. We don't need you or want you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

5 Things That Irritated Me Today.....ALREADY!!

Ok so yesterday sucked ass and it's probably just me being extremely annoyed today because it carried over. Things today are just bothering the fucker outta me.....I thought I'd share.

1.These Boost Mobile phones ads. Y'know the ones ... "Now you can chirp your homies whenever you want!" and "Where you at?" Fuck you. I'm gonna be AT your house with a foot up your ass if you don't stop chirping me, homie.

2. And on the subject of phones, who came up with text messaging? Fuck that guy in the ear. I tried it the other night, it took me five minutes to key in "call me later" to a friend, who ended up calling me in the middle of my text message and left me a voice mail that said, "text me later dawg!" What a fucking waste of technology. And to people who have long conversations via text messaging - pick up the fucking phone and talk to them you socially inept, dysfunctional douchebag!

3. People waiting in line for the release of new video games. Hey, dudes, want a sure fire way to guarantee you won't feel the warm touch of a woman for the next 10 years? Stand out in line in front of a video game store for a few hours. Nothing says chronic masturbator like wearing a Donkey Kong t-shirt and standing in front of Game Crazy at 7 AM (They don’t open until 10) with your fellow gamers. Geek factor 10+ for all you fuckers. Pay me $40 of the $70 bucks you're gonna pay and I'll download it for you......IDIOTS!!

4. People with teddy bears in their cars. Okay, I can understand a 16 year female doing this, but every time I see a guy in his supped up Honda complete with teddy bears staring at me from the back window I get a good idea of who wears the pants in that relationship. Knock that shit's a fucking car, not your bedroom.....Aside from the fact that you're clearly breaking at least 5 man laws.

5. The pens in my office. Or should I say the lack of. Fuck, I buy a ten pack of those blue paper mate medium point pens every week and sure as shit, come Friday they are gone. They're not in my office, they're not in the data entry girls' desk drawers, the delivery trucks, the warehouse, the break room, the back office, the floor, the garbage, my clipboard or pockets. Conclusion: they're being abducted by aliens in some weird Area 51 conspiracy to rid the world of simple communication. Guess I'll have to text message everything since I can't find a fucking pen to write it down.

Happy Hump Day...Where you AT?!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Things I've Learned From My Spam Box

So I'm almost sure someone I fired has signed me up for some sort of mailing list(s) because over the past month, my spam has gone from nearly 0 to at least 25 a day. Our IT swears they are trying to "work on it" Yeah ok...whatthefuckever!! So I figured I'd throw out a few things that I learned from my spam box today.

**18 yr old Christy, is the hottest porn star on the net!
Who knew? You go, Christy! and at the tender age of 18. man, just think where she'll be when she's 50!

**Enlarge Your Penis Now!
But it's so big already. Would that be fair?

**MILF mania is back again with these hot mom's videos!
I didn't realize it had ever left. I guess when MILFs get excited they forget how to spell.

**Firs time babes get banged good!
You’d hope so. It’d be a shame for the first time to be less than special.

**Get a $1000 gift card for Free. Pick a store in your area.
Wow! That sounds like a great deal. How about good vibrations?

**Daphne, The only cure for grief is action.
Hmmm…am I Daphne? Or is this just meant to be an abstract, poetic thing?

**Passion should last forever.
Yes, it really should. So often it doesn't though.

**Christy creams every time a guy turns her on!
That Christy again. Her pussy is like pavlov's dog. She’s so swampy she doesn't know "every time" is two words. She is dangerously close to a trademark suit from a donut company.

**Please your girl further! Enlarge your penis now!
Is that possible? To please her further, I mean. Kind of sounds like an order, and I don't like to be bossed around. What if I want to enlarge my penis later?

**Hank, Abstinence is the surety of temperance.
I'm not sure who hank is, but that sounds reasonable. I bet this guy voted for bush.

**We can propose you the optimum quality computer software.
Great, I've been waiting for someone to propose me some software. And coming from a guy named "Algernon Fkliraf" you know it's on the up and up.

**Economize 90 percents and much more on your recipes.
My recipes have been terribly un-economical lately. I've only been economizing 10-20 percents on good days. This is arriving just in time.

**You can refinance, even with bad credit.
I don't have anything to refinance. And I don't have bad credit. Has a nice direct, no bullshit tone though. gotta like that.

**No Fraud --- Real Science! Expand your penis.
The penis thing again. I'm starting to get a complex. I don't really need this, but if I did I would want it without fraud, and with lots of science...preferably the real kind.

**Any narcotics at 0.58Euro for dose.
Cool. If I decide to buy some narcotics I really want to pay for them in Euros, from a guy named "Hermann Werjsfiy".

**Get Your Degree In Criminal Justice.
Finally, a calling. OJ, watch out. You’ve played your last round of golf.

They just seem to keep coming, so maybe I'll update later.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I Am McLovin'

So a few friends were over last night and someone said "let's watch a movie" and because I am the center of the blue-ray universe and have a video store in my livingroom, it was a fair request. Now when the subject came up of what to watch, it was unanimously voted that it was to be a comedy. Almost Immediately I said.....SUPERBAD!!! several agreed and were very enthusiastic of my comedy's quite good, I might add.....but then something happened, something alarming....there were people in my house that actually said "What's Superbad" OMG!! Blasphemy!!! What's Superbad? It's only the most awesome comedy....EVER!!! Let's put it this way, all comedies are now a distant 2nd in my book when it comes to Superbad. And when I say this movie will make you laugh until you hurt.....I'm understating a bit. This movie will not only make you laugh until you hurt, it will make you laugh until you cry then as soon as it ends, you'll want to replay it's THAT funny!!! So if you are of the minority who aren't familiar with Superbad......until you watch it, you're dead to me!!! Here's a few clips to warm you up.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Su-Fi Bitches!!!!

So anyone who read my old blog KNOWS I'm a HUGE Dane Cook fan. Last night a friend and I got to talking and ended up laughing our asses off over some Dane Cook material.....In honor of that (AWESOME) friend and because it's Friday and you should be laughing....Here's some kick ass Dane material.....Love it Bitches!!!!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Obtaining An Olympic Medal

While watching the Olympics, a friend and I got into a small debate over the magnitude of being an Olympic medalist, as opposed to other sports championships.

Now while I'm a complete and total sports nut, I give total props where they're due. Looking at all the different sports championships, I believe the Olympics is the greatest of all. Let's think about what it takes just to make it to the podium.

While the NFL. MLB, NBA, NHL, and even all NCAA sports all have awesome athletes, in EACH of these sports a person on said team can claim to be a "champion", technically they're were a member of the team that won the championship. However, in each of these sports...there are people who never play a down, run a base, sink a 3, take a slapshot who obtain the title of champion. I was watching a painful program that followed the (UGH) Cowboys through training camp....They made a reference to the ONLY superbowl champion on their current roster being a guy who was on the New York Giants practice squad last season...the PRACTICE SQUAD. Point made!!

To be a medalist in the Olympics, you have to run the gauntlet. First you spend 4 years trying to earn the right to qualify for ANY sport in the Olympics. Once qualified for an Olympic sport and now in the athlete has to compete in several qualifying events just to make it to the final. Competing in the final are the single most elite athletes in that sport, the best in the world competing for 3 spots. So you won a bronze....ehhh the bronze is 3rd place..NO! The bronze is the 3rd best in the WORLD, meaning only 2 other people on earth are better than you. Yay...I won a silver...hey 2nd place is better than nothing....NO! The silver means you were within reach of greatness, you are better than everyone on earth except ONE person. Now let's look at the Olympic gold medalist is the pinnacle. You've outlasted and outworked the rest of the world. Not a person on earth is better than you. You spend years just to make it to the Olympics, then you spent all you had to qualify to compete for the medal...then in that competition of ALL the best in the world..YOU came out 1st. It's freakish, it's ridiculous, it's INSANE!!! You weren't on the practice squad, you weren't a backup, you competed, you won, you are THE BEST!!

I just don't feel that ANY athlete can compare themselves to that of an Olympic medalist. I mean let's face it...the NBA and MLB have guys DYING to make the team just to get that medal and in the basketball and baseball held at the Olympics...the ONLY people who get medals are those who's so highly devised, not even a coach gets a medal...that's how big of a deal it is. If you didn't play, you don't get shit!! So next time you think...ehhh, the Olympics are ok, I guess....remember that there's NO OTHER athlete on earth that's on their level!!!! I mean hell.....try to spell Olympics with a lower case "o" get an error a typo...capitalize that shit!! Yeah, it's a big deal.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Olympic Fever '08

So there are 2 moments in sports where I truly get UBER EXCITED. Like totally enthralled and so set to watch, follow, cheer, and agonize that I can hardly contain myself.

1. The beginning of the College Football Season
2. The Olympics

The summer Olympics is by far my favorite. Now don't get me wrong I love the winter Olympics, but I LOVE the summer Olympics. I have to admit I can feel it, it's close. The athletes of Team USA are on the brink of the Olympic Games. The moment that they have worked their asses off for. The moment they have laid in bed and dreamed about. All their hard work is about to be put to the test. Olympic athletes awe me. These are the absolute BEST athletes in the world. They don't do it for a huge salary, for free agency, for selfishness...they do it for the glory and they do it for TEAM USA!!! They do it to see if they are the BEST in the entire world. Do you realize what it takes just to make it on an Olympic team? My hats off to every single man and woman that will wear the red, white, and blue in Beijing and represent. We're rooting for you, we're cheering for you, we BELIEVE in you, and when you're on that podium receiving the gold and the Anthem is playing....we'll cry with you. Do your thing, Olympic Athlete.....we've got your back!!!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Top Of The Food Chain?

So I am lounging around today, slightly hungover, just chillin and channel surfing. I came across some interesting viewing pleasure, that along with my morbid sense of humor and lack of times, allowed me to sit for a full 60 minutes completely, and totally glued to the TV. The show was named......ANIMAL ATTACKS!!! Oh yeah!!!

Now I realized that after like the 3rd story, a pattern was developing. First of all these were mainly stories about people who worked and elected to "hang" with said animals....People like the guy who "trains" wild animals for Hollywood movies, people who "perform" with wild animals for show, people who wish to "save" wild get the picture. Anyway...I noticed a pattern developing. Each story, and I mean EACH story, there was some asshole who was saying...he/she was such a kind and gentle animal, never a problem before, I don't know why this happened. And here I am thinking....BECAUSE YOU'RE FOOD, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

When a person CHOOSES to hang out in an enviroment where they are no longer the top of the food chain, how can you be shocked when you get eaten? Like the moron who "saves" big cats. Lions, Tigers, Panthers, Cougars, 1 day he's holding this lioness....the hunter of the lion species, I might a collar and a chain, she is getting yanked and pulled and ordered by this guy to "obey" then when she turns, looks, and says to herself...look idiot, yank me again and I'm gonna fuck you up....the guy pulls her to turn her and BAM! she jumps on his ass and mauls him. YOU DESERVED IT!!! It was wicked too, the camera guy jumped on top of some wooden box, but the sick bastard kept rolling LMAO...the lioness got finished and she had blood all over her face, the guy laying in a lump, half dead...and she calmly walks away, as if to say....Who's you're daddy!! How can anyone be shocked this happened? Then we have the asshole who decided training grizzly bears for Hollywood was the job for him. here he is with an 8 foot, 2000lb grizzly bear and he's treating it as if it were a runt puppy he found on the street. So he's doing an interview for some news show, the grizzly bear is restless and probably saying...what the fuck am I doing sitting here like a circus seal with this asshole yanking on me and telling me what to the grizzly calmly leans over and bites a chunk out of the guys neck, kills him instantly!! then amongst the horror and screaming...walks away and I swear had a look on his face that said.....Thanks for the appetizer!! Next is the story about the jackass that was an "activist" for the saving of wild grizzly bears in Alaska, he had this popular documentary about his life with the bears. This idiot actually setup camp in the most highly populated area in Alaska where wild grizzly bears hang out..turned on his camera and filmed himself getting close to the bears, naming the bears, acting like a bear, basically everything that screams...IM AN ASSHOLE, PLEASE EAT ME!!! So near the "end" of his journey he decides to bring his girlfriend out with him to show her and the world how "safe" it is....After about a week, nobody heard from him so the Park Rangers went to check on him. They found his campsite destroyed, and his half eaten girlfriend laying dead IN her tent......there was no trace of him whatsoever. Over the next several weeks, Rangers tracked the bears in the area by their shit...yeah, their piles of shit left around the area...and what did they find in 90% of the bear shit laying around? You got it...the dumbass who wanted to "live" with the bears....I mean that's a statement by the bears...they ate ALL of him, then shit him out all over the Alaska Wilderness. If that don't scream STAY THE FUCK OUT...I don't know what does.

I guess in closing, my point being, I have NO SYMPATHY for the idiots who choose to tempt fate and think they can tame or train wild animals. Furthermore, I think when said wild animals attack your ass, I guess you should have thought your life's path out a little better. You don't mess with something that is higher up on the food chain than you are, unless you're ready to get fucked up!! Then WHEN you get eaten, please make sure you have a will telling your friends and family NOT to come on a show named Animals Attacks and go on and on about how you don't understand why this happened. Or he/she was such a loving and kind animal. They are the top of the food chain, and YOU'RE FOOD....leave them alone!!!