To: The Fucking Freak Who Threw A Dildo In My Yard

April 19, 2008

So I go outside to take out the trash (tomorrow is garbage day) and as I walked across the front yard to my garbage can how shocked was I to encounter a DILDO on my lawn? It was flesh-tone… you know a waxy, crayon-ish, unrealistic shade of flesh and it wasn't really smooth. There were bits of grass stuck to it and some small black bugs had claimed it as their own flesh-tone yard log....jesusfuckingchrist what the fuck is wrong with the world?!

NOW, I am all about people having a good time whether it is with other people or by themselves BUT since when did a DILDO become a one-time-use disposable item? I mean does the package say pump in your cunt vigorously until done then dispose of? sonofabitch.

Plausible and not so plausible reasons why a DILDO may have turned up in my fucking yard:

1. It was made out of biodegradable material - so really, any yard would serve as a perfectly acceptable place to dispose of your DILDO. Dispose is such an ugly word shall we use the phrase, return to the Earth, instead? For fucks sake!

2. My yard looked too barren - so instead of placing a creepy gnome or obnoxious pink flamingo on the lawn to liven things up a bit you decided that a flesh-tone DILDO was the perfect choice to add just the right amount of pizzazz.

3. It fell out – so you were walking across my lawn for some inexplicable reason last night and your portable, 9 inches of love fell out of your gigatic flappy twat and you didn't notice. OR maybe you did notice and just thought…ewwww icky grass and bugs, let's just leave it here. I'll buy a new DILDO with my daddy's credit card tomorrow.

4. Someone was practicing – so some big event or competition is coming up. Here is a list of the possibilities as I see them:

a. The Lorena Bobbitt Cock Tossing Competition
b. The rollout of the new board game: Hustler's Scavenger Hunt
c. The 16th Annual Wear Your Cock on the Walk fundraiser for ED.
d. Naughty Lawn Darts on the Eastside – BYOD – bring your own dildo.

5. New Candid Camera Show to Air – so this was all caught on tape and you may soon be viewing it in your living room. I'll be the one with the shorts, flip flops and a WTF expression on my face.

I also apreciate you forcing me to use and subsequently HAVE (fuck NO I'll never use em again) to throw away a perfectlly good pair of bbq tongs because I had to use them to pick your pleasure apparatus us with so I could throw it the fuck away, you nasty bitch. I swear on eveything I beleive in...I hope you fucking DIE SCREAMING!!!!!