Monday, July 14, 2008

8 Things I Hate About Valentines Day

February 14, 2008

8) Lame message hearts. The only thing worse than feigning gratitude when you hand me three hearts with "Be Mine", "You Stud", "So Hot" is falsely complementing you on your third grade creativity. After that, I have the pleasure of choking down these delightful little confections that taste like a combination of elementary school chalk, pepto bismol, and baseball card chewing gum.

7) Overpriced Dinners. Thank you for bumping up your prices by $25 for the pleasure of eating your attempt at realizing your culinary dreams. Mmmmm… love that odd lemon/foot flavored cream sauce you doused on the new potatoes. Did you use dill on this flank steak you are passing off as veal? That makes you a real chef. This should go well with that moldy tasting boxed cabernet you're serving at the reasonable price of $9 a glass. P.S. nobody likes FLAN!!

6) valentine Cards. Thanks sweety, I'm glad it took you 10 minutes to decide between the Winnie the Pooh card that said "You're my Honey" and the Tiger Card that said "Your Terrifficccc!". I want to shit on your head for wasting 5 dollars.

5) DeBeers commercials. Oh DeBeers, You most bastards of the Belgium families. Congratulations on raping the people of South Africa, exporting all the wealth to Europe, and artificially inflating the price of diamonds by restricting the supply to the market. But why stop there you ask? You didn't. You successfully launched a marketing campaign that has ever women in America believing that a not so rare carbon-carbon stone is the incarnation of love itself. Thanks for securing my dates disappointment when her gifts are wilted roses, dusty chocolates, and… an overpriced dinner. Diamonds are Forever?? Fuck You is Forever too you waffle-slinging assholes!!

4) That fuckin guy who goes WAYYYY overboard. Guess what dude, those years of being a neglectful father and husband or the affair you had with your coworker won't be forgiven simply because you bought this girl a tennis bracelet, sent 100 roses to her work, and hired a wandering serenade for the night. The only thing your accomplishing is making the rest of us look bad. BTW- she's fucking your best friend.

3) Valentine's Night Sex. I just spent 4 hours pretending to enjoy the evening, I am half cocked on bad wine, and my stomach is turning because of that awful dinner and shitty candies. I am in no mood for athletics. It doesn't help that my penis is on DEFCON 5 and about to blow any minute because you stopped having sex with me two weeks ago to make this night "special". The most you can hope for is two minutes of awkward half pumps and that I don't fart on you in my sleep as I try to digest all that nastiness.

2) Singles Parties. Hmm… two choices of girls here. The really drunk chick who wants to tell me about her shitty ex, or her annoyinh friend who "chooses to be single" but couldn't get a date if her life depended on it. Hey Betty, here's a tip, that bleach job you did for the hair on your upper lip glows underneath the black light. No I do not want to do a body shot off of you, you yeti.

1) I'm single god damn it. I either have to spend it with some needy girl who wants me to treat her like a princess, or all my bitter friends who don't have a date for valentines day. Yippee!!!

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