February 9, 2008
The gray, waxy thing that my pizza is sitting on sucks. It's a lie. "They" tell us that it will make our food crispy when we microwave food on it. You know what I'm talking about. You're supposed to put your pizza or your hot pocket or whatever on it and it's supposed to make your food as crispy as if you baked it. You don't bake it because you don't have 30 min to wait to stuff your face because you are a lazy fuck and you want your food NOW so you nuke it in the microwave instead. yeah. It doesn't work. It never works. It's not a crispy-maker, it's a sadness-maker. It raises your hopes only to dash them. It's like the dead beat dad that never went to your soccer games. It's like the loser boyfriend who never keeps his promises but you stay with him because he's cool and he plays a little guitar and drinks snapple. It's like the presidential election where you vote hoping that Bush will lose. It sucks. The pizza comes out just as soggy, except this time, it comes with the added suspicion that you have just increased your chances for getting cancer because you nuked it on the gray thing. It's bullshit. In fact, I don't even know what it's made of but I hate it. If ever an inanimate object could mock someone, it would be this thing. I hate you, you gray-colored, waxy, sorta-shiny-yet-dull, plastic, paper thingy that comes with my microwave pizza.