February 1, 2008
Fully automated bathroom, I hate you. I hate all of your advanced features. I hate you so much that I will sometimes hold it in for hours to avoid coming into contact with you.
Motion-activated lights, I hate you. I hate your wan, pathetic, green-tinted glow that makes me look like a Russian convict. I hate the way you turn on when I first open the door, and I hate the way you turn off if I sit quietly on the toilet for too long.
Auto-flush toilets, I despise you. I hate the way you begin flushing as soon as I stand up. I hate the way you won't let me get in a courtesy flush should I be recovering from a night of Indian food. Most of all, I hate the way you flush so violently that you spray little droplets of water of dubious cleanliness all over the stall, forcing me to press myself against the farthest corner, pants still around my ankles, and you, like a rogue Catholic priest, spray holy sewer water on my favorite shoes.
Motion-activated sinks, I loathe you. I don't like having to bend over and hold my hands in front of you like I'm making an offering at a Buddhist temple and want to make sure that everyone sees me lighting my incense. I hate how half of you are malfunctioning most of the time. I hate how it takes 30 seconds to get the water warm enough to really get your hands clean. I hate your stupid accompanying automated soap dispenser. I am not so fucking lazy that I can't turn a faucet on and off all by myself. God, I hate you.
Last, but not least, automated air freshener, I really don't like you. I don't mind the scent you dispense, and your timing is decent (usually around the time that I would, if possible, issue a courtesy flush, were I not using the stupid auto-flush toilets), but your location (on the shelf right as you enter the door) scares me - I'm never sure if you are going to aim some mountain fresh scent right at my navel as I pass by you. The sound that you make when dispensing said scent sounds EXACTLY like the door opening onto an angry, hissing cat - why do you have to do that? Can't you just leak the scent quietly? It startles me in the middle of my daydreaming, and I need those few minutes of respite so that I can be mentally prepared to fling myself away from the toilet and avoid the deluge while waving my arms around to turn the lights back on while activating the sink.
I hate all parts of you, bathroom. I hate you so much.