February 26, 2008
Dear person in the Applebee's Restaurant bathroom:
While I don't make a habit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the fucking bird flu? In 30+ years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as violent a shit as you took in the Applebee's bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet above the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward between pockets of pressurized methane gas. I was only there to wash my hands before eating my lunch...but my appetite was foiled by your ass-disaster. Moaning and wheezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chili, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 45 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of shit under my nose. You foul fucker, you need an autopsy!!!!!