Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm Randy Hunt and I Approve This Message

GOVERNMENT IN GENERAL: Take all the hard-working illegal immigrants we have in the country right now and give Green Cards to the ones who can speak English (the official language of this country). Make English mandatory for anyone wishing to become a citizen. Lower the price and remember the words on the bottom of the Statue of Liberty. There, problem solved.

REPUBLICANS: Your form of government and economics relies too much on the honor system. The honor system does not work. We are a greedy, selfish, easily-angered species that cannot keep our emotions in check. Stick to running businesses, not countries.

I like making my own decisions. Do not choose what is best for me. Freedom of Speech, Religion, and the pursuit of life, liberty, happiness, and all that jazz are constitutionally guaranteed. If I mess up, it's my damn fault. This includes fudge packing, pot smoking, bdsm, and all of those other "naughty" things you hate so much. According to the above, this is all okay (YIPEE!). If you don't like it, change the channel/dial/view and turn up some music. I don't crucify you when you go to church, sit in a stuffy suit, and sing (badly) for hours on end. Please do not crucify me if I decide to "put it where it doesn't belong" while wearing a dog collar and smoking a big, phat Bahama Joint. I work, I pay taxes, and I don't hit old ladies when I'm driving. What more do you f'ucking want from me?

DEMOCRATS: Waah, waah, waah! Life sucks, get a helmet. I don't care if you're underclass, underage, underappreciated, undernourished, or under someone's foot. There are 7 billion and 5 different programs out there and I am sure that one of them will help you from making your own decisions.

Guns don't kill people. Little, metal projectiles kill people. His or her mother/father/TV/Radio/Video Game/Internet Porn Site/Brothers-Mothers-Nephews-Cousins-Former Roommate did NOT make them shoot Person Y. He/She shot person Y. He (I got tired of writing He/She so shut up) had his finger on the trigger. He made the conscious decision to send that neurochemical to his synapses, fire of some electrical impulses, squeeze, and redecorate the nearby scenery in a lovely shade of crimson and brain-matter grey. Nut up and take some personal responsibility (**GASP** No!) If you can't teach your kids "right from wrong", DON'T BREED!!!

As I said to the REPUBLICANS, I like making my own decisions. If I don't want to listen to your Public Service Announcements that smoking is bad for me and I should quit or else I'm the spawn of Loki, Satan, Lucifer, or whatever devil you see, guess what? I can change the channel! Wow! It's called freedom of choice.

I don't have to hire Joe-Bob-Billy-Jim-Joe because he's Marimalamikian and I have to keep a certain quota of them on my work force. Hell, I don't have to meet any sort of quota! Why? Because all the employees I hire can do their job! Wow! What a fucking concept! It's called the Civil Rights Amendment. And no, I'm not biased against Marimalamikian's or whatever. I hate everyone equally because, for the most part, everyone is stupid. Everyone!

GREEN PARTY: Like it or not, pollution is part of nature! You're not trying to "save the planet", you're trying to save this selfish species and our way of life. Once again, life sucks, get a helmet! No matter what you think/feel/say/do, everything that has happened to this point in time has happened because IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! The only way we are going to destroy the planet is if we fired our nuclear arsenal at a single point on the planet and physically cracked it. The planet shatters. Only then is the world destroyed. Life continues on with or without our pathetic (and other pathetic) species. Deal.

CAUCASIAN AMERICANS: The African American Lawyer will not go on a tirade of how you are oppressing him as long as you don't bring it up. The Mexican Immigrant will not ask you for help unless he needs it because he works hard. The Asian Americans will not try to give you a shady deal if you are HONEST with your intentions. Native Americans ARE part of this society. Get over it. You are not the most important person here. Life does not revolve around you.

AFRICAN AMERICANS: It ended more than 100 years ago and I wasn't there. Get over it.

ASIAN AMERICANS: I group you all together because a lot of your behavior patterns are the same. I also don't care to write a letter to each of you so here it goes - take a few Student Driving courses, loosen up a bit, and smack a doctor next time he says that Qi Gong/Tai Chi/Acupuncture or Acupressure is a waste of time. After all, 6000 years and 1 Billion plus people can't be wrong.

MEXICAN/LATIN AMERICANS: All that I ask is that you learn to speak English. It's the official language of this country and I speak Spanish/Portuguese/whatever when I go to your country. It's respectful. Other than that, keep up the good work and pass the salsa.

PACIFIC ISLANDERS & NATIVE AMERICANS: Where the hell are you guys?!? Join the party! We won't bite (unless you ask)! To put it simply, I have never found a person out of either two of these groups that I did not like.

EUROPEANS (minus France): For the time being, New York and California are not seceding from the US. Sad, I know, but give it time. If things don't work out between the US and yourselves, just remember to miss CA and NY with the nukes. After all, we love you guys.

FRANCE: You are dead to me. For everyone one of your people that I have met who has not been a complete asshole, I meet ten that are. You have as much respect for everyone else as the rest of the US does (which is none).

CANADA: If Quebec wants to leave, let them. Come join us here in Cali or NY. We could use the support/drinking buddies.

THE US EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: Remember the days of holding people back? Failing Students? Teaching to the top? Teaching practical application OVER quantifiable numeric’s? Me too. Bring it back!

MEN: If you only have enough blood in your body to use one brain at a time, get a transfusion. Your dick is not an excuse. It is merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

WOMEN: 2/3 of the world's best assassins are female, some of the more intelligent doctors are female, etc. Your ovaries and tits are not excuses. They are merely a means to an end. Make up your fucking minds and realize that you are not the only important thing on this planet.

CHILDREN: Nut up, get out on the blacktop, and throw that dodge ball back at that little shit harder than he threw it at you. Did you knock him in the mud? Good! Now his immune system will be stronger. Play rough! Play hard! Play dirty! It builds character (remember that?!?).

THE US (INCLUDING CA AND NY): Lighten the fuck up, people! It's just life! People get hurt and die. Bad things happen. Hell, 99.9% of all humor is derived from the pain, agony, misery, and suffering of ourselves and others. The other .1% sucks for telling jokes.

We are not the police of the world. If you don't walk over to your neighbor's yard, throw your dick on his lawn, and tell him how to mow it, then you shouldn't go into another person's country, throw down your "dick", and tell him not to run it. It's called respect, something the people of this country are lacking.

ALL HATE GROUPS: Your sister is not a good choice for genetic diversity. Burning crosses are cliché. The only difference between you and whomever you hate is either religious (which you'll never agree on so just get over it) or pigmental. Melanin is a natural body protein that cause you to **gasp** get tan! Lots of Melanin = Darker Skin = Better protection from the sun. WOW!

Either live respectfully with the rest of us or die screaming. We don't need you or want you.

1 comment:

LoraLoo said...

You are seriously effing good at tirades, have I mentioned that? Seriously.

Amen... to ALL of it.

I nearly spit water all over my laptop at "die screaming". :D